Hiding Behind The Music - Lilly's Soundtrack

Hiding Behind The Music - Chp 4 [Better Alone]

"You think you're better alone for the sake of your sanity/It won't resolve/If you just learn to breathe, again/You never had the nerve to begin with/You think you're better alone" - Carolina Liar - Better Alone

I know; immature. But I needed time to soothe.                          

So that's why twenty minutes later I sat on a park bench, my knees bought up on the seat and my chin resting on my knees. My iPod blaring and even though later I'll deny it; my eyes brimming with tears.

It wasn't that Sonny's argument had finally gotten through. No, this argument hit home ages ago and it wasn't even Sonny's doing. I use to have the same argument with my adoptive parents; Garry and Kylie. It sunk in when I was just hitting my teens and that night I cried myself to sleep more harshly than any other night. And since that night I haven't cried a tear.

Don't get me wrong I'm not insensitive, I'm too sensitive. That's why I have a barrier; even the slightest change can make my progress collapse. I wasn't depressed or anything. I have just had a lot to deal with though.

I was adopted when I was seven and it was hard enough to accept that Garry and Kylie actually genuinely cared and cherished me. I use to live everyday to the fullest with them thinking I'd wind up the next day back in the orphanage, in my old bleak gray room that I had shared with other girls. It was hard from them to help me adjust to their lives, simple things like how I could go to the fridge myself for a drink or going to school. Don't get me wrong the orphanage wasn't dark and gloomy but that's what I made myself see it as. The workers tries so much to give us all equal rights but they had rules, they didn't play motherly role; they didn't read to you at night, they didn't cut your steak and they didn't respond to words like 'mum' or 'dad'. They were more like teachers, it was like a boarding school but there were no holidays or parent visiting days were you where wisped away and cleansed in their love and affection. So I spent my days distancing myself from the adults and clinging to the ones like me, the other orphans.

I stopped letting others in once I left the orphanage and realized how easy people can leave you abandoned and cut open and bleeding. I let the other orphans in and still no contact and that haunts me. So I limited my affection to three people who I believed and hoped would desert me; my 'parents' and Sonny. Even they have restrictions and barriers from me though. My orphan days and any gloomy days at my home are locked up tight where I don't even visit. They know I shut others out, I'll talk but it isn't personal discussions.

They know music is my form of venting and my way of expressing myself just like they know my clothing love for denim, leather jackets, singlets, flats were my range. It wasn't gothicy or dark or dangerous it just made me a bit more unapproachable to my likening so there were less to shut out and avoid.

I knew however I couldn't shut down forever. I didn't date as teen relationships never lasted. My plan was once I turned eighteen (now) I'd start my way towards finding a job and I'd meet new people and step out a bit. I'll still be tentative and cautious but it would be new people.

Eighteen seemed the right age to start fresh.

Listening to the soothing high based drums and guitars in the song my body relaxed as I looked around me. There were runners, runners with dogs, business men with briefcases and phones hastily making their way to a destination. By the pone sat children kneeling by the ducks chucking bread to them as the parents watched attentively.

Usually orphaned kids avoid watching or being near child and parent activities. But I loved to. It was like I was experiencing the moment myself, except with a different parent constantly.