𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐜𝐞 - 𝐬𝐮𝐚𝐲𝐞𝐨𝐧

(twenty-one)

Every little sound makes me jump. I scan the room constantly despite knowing I'm alone, afraid there's someone lurking in the shadows.

"Kim Bora? Are you in here?"

My breathing stops. I shut my eyes tight and pray to become invisible. I feel a gentle breath against my face and panic. My eyes snap open and I hold my arms up to guard my face. "Don't touch me! Don't touch me!" I scream, "Don't fucking touch me! No!" My skin aches at just the thought of someone getting too close. I feel like I need to scrub off my skin. Too many people have touched me, too many people have hurt me, I need to wash it all away. I need it gone. I want to rip off my skin and get rid of this horrible feeling.

A voice whimpers, "Bora, please stop. You're hurting yourself." I freeze and look down at my hands. My fingertips are coated in blood from scratching at my skin, and my arms and legs are thrashed, shaking and bleeding. "I'm not going to touch you unless you say I can..." Princess Siyeon speaks very slowly and carefully. "I brought alcohol and bandages to clean you up, and I got you some clothes. You must be freezing." I nod and slowly move away from the corner, never once meeting the Princess' eyes. I turn my back toward her so she can see the worst of the wounds.

"Is it bad?" I ask. She sighs, which I assume means yes. She presses a cloth soaked in alcohol against my skin and I bite my lip to suppress the sobs threatening to spill forth. It stings and burns almost as much as the flogging. Princess Siyeon carefully bandages my back, and I take this opportunity to ask the question that's been eating away at me for hours. "Why is your name on the wall inside that closet so many times?"

She flinches, accidentally tugging on the bandage in her hand and causing me to wince in pain. "So they put you in the closet," she breathes. "I told you I know what it's like to be trapped. When I was a kid, if I misbehaved I was locked in the closet. My father gave me a pencil and locked me inside, and he told me to write my name and what I'd done wrong, and that I could come out once I'd learned my lesson." She takes a shaky breath and continues, "It's so small. You can't even sit down. You just have to stand there until somebody lets you out or you manage to push the door open. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, especially after everything else they did to you."

Why is she apologising to me? They locked me in the closet once; from the looks of it she was in there easily a hundred times. Her name on the walls, always paired with some minor sin: disrespectful, disobedient, cowardly, dishonest, rude, uncooperative, and many more. But those are just things children do. They talk back and test the rules. They take things too far and hurt others' feelings. They're all perfectly normal, nothing warranting locking a child in such a small space. "Princess, I'm sorry for what they did to you. And I'm sorry for whatever your mother will do to you because of me," I choke out.

She places a gentle hand on my shoulder and tries to reassure me. "You didn't do anything wrong and you know it," she soothes, "She shouldn't have hurt you over Joohyun misreading a situation. What she did was uncalled for. But I'll take care of you, I promise." She continues to clean and bandage my wounds, apologising quietly every time I wince or try to pull away. "I'm glad I found you here," she says. "I used to hide up here, too, anytime my father locked me in the closet. Like I said, this was my safe space, and I'm glad it can be the same for you." She finishes wrapping my arm in bandages, and I suddenly feel guilty that she had to witness me panicking and trying to rip off my skin.

Princess Siyeon offers to help me get dressed. I'm exhausted and ashamed, and I don't know if I'd be able to do it myself, so I accept. She keeps a respectful distance and moves slowly so as not to scare me. She puts my shirt on first and asks if I can stand. I try, holding onto the wall for support. She helps me put on comfortable pants and tells me I need to rest. She says she'll support me in case I can't walk on my own.

As soon as we reach the steps, I realise just how much of a toll this beating took on my body. When I ran up here, I was flooded with adrenaline, but now I just feel drained. I try not to slip and fall on the stairs, and I hiss in pain when I have to bend over to step out of the small doorway. Princess Siyeon replaces the panel in the wall and wraps an arm around my waist for stability.

She doesn't take me to my room like I expected her to. Instead, she lies me down gently on her own bed and softly wishes me well. She climbs into bed on the other side, leaving a large space between us.

I don't deserve someone so kind and understanding. Princess Siyeon has done so much for me, and I can never repay her. I think the safest thing I can do for both of us is take a step back.