𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐜𝐞 - 𝐬𝐮𝐚𝐲𝐞𝐨𝐧

(thirty-one)

Naming how I feel was a mistake. Now every time I see her all I can think about is the crushing feeling of knowing my love would be reciprocated if I wasn't a girl.

Prince Jaebeom has been here for three weeks, and the Princess is starting to warm up to him. Hearing them laugh together feels like a punch to the gut every time. I have to stand there and watch them flirt and slowly fall in love. He's going to fall for her just like I did, and the Princess will love him in a month the same amount I've grown to love her in the two and a half years I've been here.

All I'm doing is embittering myself by watching them. I try to look away, to focus on anything else, but every time I hear her laugh I can't help but look over to see her smile. She still sneaks me into her room at night to talk, but things are different now. She talks about him. She's never said she loves him, and I don't think I could bear to hear it if she ever did say it. I think that would be the final chip in the glass to completely shatter my heart. God, why did I have to fall for her?

I spend the whole day following them around and feeling sorry for myself. Finally after dinner Prince Jaebeom walks her up to her room. They're both smiling as they bid each other goodnight, and my blood begins to boil.

I follow the Princess into her room. "Hey, Bora, it's so good to see you!" She says.

She sounds so happy. I should be happy for her. But she's happy because of him. So I do something that I pray can help me even though I know it's wrong and could get me killed.

I march up to Siyeon and stand on my toes, grabbing her by the back of her neck and pulling her down so I can kiss her. She doesn't resist, doesn't pull away, but she doesn't respond.

When I let go, I feel the burning of my eyes welling with tears. "We're even now. This is what you did for me when you thought you were going to lose me," I choke out, "I don't want to lose you." She stands there silently and I run out, letting go and sobbing violently on my way back to my room.

Slamming the door behind me, I fall against it and cover my face with my hands to try to muffle the sound of my self-pity at the knowledge I just ruined everything.