All Time Low Imagines

Jack Barakat Imagine

HEAVY TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM, THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE, AND ATTEMPTED SUICIDE 

Y/N's P.o.v-

I hate feeling like this. I hate waking up every morning and knowing I'll never be good enough. I know I'm not good enough. I can see it in everybody's eyes. Especially Jack's. He always seemed to look at me with such disappointment. Why was he even dating me? Probably because he doesn't want to hurt me.

"Hey babe. You wanna go out to eat with Alex and I?" Jack asked walking into our bedroom. I shook my head and mumbled something about not feeling well. I mean, it wasn't exactly a lie, so I could get away with it. Jack just sighed and nodded before kissing my cheek.

"I love you. On my way home I'll stop and get you some medicine, okay?" He asked grabbing for his keys. I nodded but didn't say anything. Tears filled my eyes as soon as I heard the door close downstairs. I rushed out of bed and into the bathroom. I stared at my reflection in the mirror. How the hell did I get like this? I was a mess. 

"Why the hell would Jack even like you? He can do so much fucking better! He's just with you out of pity. He hates you. He's going to leave you and never come back. You should just kill yourself already. Maybe you can help Jack with breaking up with you that way. He can finally be happy."  My thoughts kept screaming in my head. They wouldn't shut up. They kept screaming at me. I held my hands over my ears and screamed loudly to try and drown them out. It still didn't help. I dropped to my knee's and pulled at my hair.

"Stop!" I shouted trying to make them shut up. 'Kill yourself. Kill yourself already.'  Was all they kept repeating, slowly getting louder, and louder. I rocked back and forth and pulled at my hair as I started sobbing loudly. I just wanted them to finally be quiet. I tried to quit sobbing as I reached for my makeup bag under the sink. I poured everything out and shakily grabbed for my razor.

"I love you, I'm so sorry." I sent a quick text to Jack and shut my phone off before he could answer. This had to happen. He needs to finally be happy.

'Kill yourself. Do it. Help Jack finally be happy. Make everyone happy. Kill yourself.' Was all I could hear. I couldn't even hear myself cry anymore. All I hear are those fucking voices screaming at me. I picked up the razor and pressed the cold metal into my skin. I flicked my hand and sighed as the blood rushed to the surface and beaded before rolling down my arm. I did this over, and over again until my arm was covered in blood.

"I'm such a fucking failure!" I sobbed as I looked down at my arm through blurry vision. Do you know when you're right in the middle of falling asleep, and you feel so numb? Like nothing can hurt you? All I can feel is that. Numb. My vision was blurring and all I could feel was nothing.

"Y/N? Y/N? Where the fuck are you?" Jack shouted running around the house. I started crying harder as I imagined Jack finding me. He'll finally be happy. I didn't even jump when I heard the door swing open. I leaned against the cabinet and looked down at my arm. I was happy, finally.

"Fuck. Y/N? Y?N, look at me. You're bleeding so much. You need to go to the hospital. Fuck." Jack shouted kneeling in front of me and took my arm into his hands. I whimpered softly and my eyes closed. I could hear Jack speaking but it was muffled. He was calling someone.

"No. Y/N, stay awake. You're fine. Everything's going to be fine. Look at me. Stay with me." Jack sobbed putting pressure on my arm. I cried out and looked up at him. Why was he trying to save me? I just want to die. I need to die.

"I know baby. Look at me. You're going to be fine. Stay awake. They're going to be here very soon. Don't fucking close your eyes, please!" Jack kept repeating that as he pulled me into his chest. I sobbed loudly as Jack kissed the top of my head and mumbled little things into my ear. Why wouldn't he just let me die!

"Fuck. Wake up! Please! Please wake up!" Jack shouted as my eyes finally closed. All I heard was the door opening and Jack shouting before everything went silent.

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Beep. Beep. Beep. All I could hear was the same annoying beeping sound. All I could feel was a sharp pain in my arm. I opened my eyes slowly. I was met with bright lights and white walls. Tears filled my eyes as I finally looked at the machines above me. I was in the hospital. I didn't die.

"Jack?" I croaked out finally. My throat felt like it was on fire. I didn't even bother looking around. Why did I bother even calling for him? Of course Jack wouldn't stay with me. He's finally happy. He's finally without me. 

"You could've died. If I wouldn't have been there in time you would have bled out. I could have come home and found you dead." Jack said making me jump. Tears filled my eyes as I looked at Jack sitting next to me. His eyes were bloodshot, and he looked like he hasn't slept in a while. His hair was greasy and he was still wearing clothes with blood on them. My blood.

"Why didn't you just let me die? You could've finally been happy!" I thought but didn't dare open my mouth. I squeezed my eyes tight and fought off tears filling them. I wish he would have let me die. I didn't want to be here anymore.

"Why?" Was all he asked. He took my hand into his lightly and looked at me. I couldn't fight the tears that filled my eyes anymore. I shook my head looking away from him.

"You can leave if you want." I mumbled quietly.

"I'm not going anywhere. I promised you I would never leave you, and I never am." He mumbled taking my hand and kissing it. Tears filled my eyes as I finally looked back at him. He shook his head and wiped at my cheeks with his thumb, ignoring me flinching away slightly, and smiled sweetly at me.

"No more crying. Move over, okay?" Jack asked standing up. I nodded and did as I was told. He put his arm around me, pulling me close and kissed the top of my head. 

"We're gonna get you some help, sweetheart. I'm not leaving your side through this. I promise you." He mumbled into my hair wrapping his arms around me tighter. I felt safe in his arms, I always did.

"I love you." I whispered finally. I did love him, with everything in my heart. I just didn't understand why he loved me. I wasn't what he needed, and I shouldn't be what he wanted. 

"I love you, baby. We're gonna get through this." He mumbled with his lips pressed against my head. I sighed and let myself relax into him, forcing myself to believe him.