hate to love you // minsung

1

Jisung and Seungmin were sitting and chatting in the vocal rooms late at night, taking a break after a long day of teaching and being taught rapping. The topic of conversation turned to their hyungs, and they began teasing them, unafraid of retribution as no one else was around.

Jisung started recounting a time when Changbin, a regular target of both their mean and cute teasing, kept calling their other friend Jeongin the name of Changbin's crush. "It was so embarrassing, he kept slipping up letting everyone know who he liked because they were constantly on his mind."

Seungmin wiped tears of laughter out of his eyes and hiccuped. "Oh my god, that reminds me of when Minho had a crush on someone, and tried so hard to hide it that he ended up convincing them that he hated them."

Jisung chuckled absentmindedly, looking through his bag. "Yeah his stare would make anyone think that he hates them. When did this happen?" 

"A while ago, it was before you joined the company."

Jisung nodded, the meaning of the other's words not quite sinking in. "He liked someone at the company?"

"Yeah," Seungmin answered, and immediately realized that he'd majorly fucked up.

There weren't any girl trainees at this company.

"Then who . . . ?" Jisung trailed off.

The other didn't respond immediately, trying to think of how to rectify the mess he'd made. "It was someone from his school," Seungmin hurried to say, but Jisung knew that he was lying.

They sat there uncomfortably for a while, changing the subject and making small talk. Jisung soon left for the dorms.

Seungmin put up an emotional wall, trying to feel out what Jisung's views were. He had sort of known that his friend was homophobic, remembering an incident from earlier in the year. All eight of them had been sitting on the floor of the practice room, passing a selfie stick around with a camera as they were on live. After Seungmin passed the camera to the others, he nuzzled Jisung's cheek with his nose, teasing him.

Jisung immediately recoiled from the surprise touch, and then looked grossed out. "What, you like me or something?"

Seungmin pulled back, confused. "Of course I do?" He was a bit stunned and didn't know what else to say. "What do you mean?" he asked, but Jisung just shook his head. They continued the live as usual, and didn't speak of it again.

Seungmin had known that something was up and that Jisung was homophobic. But the want to believe that his friend was a good person eclipsed his judgement, so he just tried not to think of that moment.

He sat in the empty room for a while, thinking about past memories with Jisung, looking for clues about what his friend was like. After a while of traveling through memories, he realized that Jisung might be heading to confront Minho - or even hurt him. Panicked, he scrambled to get his bag and phone and ran out the door of the company, trying to find Jisung and Minho.

Jisung had quickly made his way to the floor with their rooms, his mind in overdrive as his feet pounded too loudly up the stairs.

He didn't know why he felt this fury towards Minho. It was especially strange, because some of his other friends were gay and he hadn't had the same reaction. When he was making fun of Changbin embarrassing himself and revealing his crush, he'd known that his crush was another boy, their friend Felix.

Jisung thought that being gay was a choice his friends made. He didn't agree with it, but he still remained friends with them. Honestly, the only reason he was able to stay friends with them was because he tried not to think about it and didn't bring it up again.

His friends hadn't brought up his less than supportive reactions, possibly because they were too uncomfortable to. It wasn't surprising, especially in this homophobic society, where being openly queer could mean losing your entire family and your entire life. It was easier to pretend that homophobia just didn't exist.

But if Jisung was still friends with his other queer teammates, why did he feel differently towards Minho?

He walked into the living room, not knowing where to go.

"Speak of the devil," he muttered to himself, spotting someone across the room.

He should've left after discovering that Minho was gay, or maybe bi or pan or just something that he shouldn't be, but the knowledge strangely compelled him to walk towards him.

Minho was sitting cross-legged on the floor, looking at pictures that their group had taken. The photos spread haphazardly on the floor were polaroids taken in front of the New York City skyline or in Moscow or Seoul. But Minho was looking at strings of photo booth strips.

As he moved closer, Jisung was startled to see that Minho was currently holding a photo booth picture in which he was jokingly pretending to kiss Jisung. Or was he really pretending? Jisung thought darkly. Minho had never made any romantic advances on him. They of course cuddled just like the rest of their friends as it was considered perfectly normal to snuggle with your friends in Korea.

He had no reason to believe that Minho was after him, but after learning that his hyung was queer, he projected his self-hatred onto him. The person that he loved.

"That's disgusting," he said harshly, looking down at the pictures.

Minho looked up, his mouth slightly open, immediately on edge from Jisung's harsh tone. "What are you talking about?"

"You know exactly what I'm talking about."

A feeling of dread that Minho hadn't experienced in a long time crept in. He felt like he had been caught doing something shameful.

Minho looked small, still sitting on the floor. Normally, he would've been the most intimidating out of all their friends, but the stare in his eyes was nowhere to be seen as he kept his head down. He didn't look up at Jisung when he responded, collecting the photos and carefully sliding them back into a yellow envelope. "I don't know what's going on with you, but please don't talk to me like that."

Jisung was irked by this response, and Minho watched him storm out. He sat there, stunned. The flood of feelings would come later, but for now, Minho just tried to process Jisung's words. He tried to logically work through what would cause Jisung to say such horrible things. From the disgusted look Jisung gave him for looking at all the photos of his friends, specifically the photos where he was half-pretending to kiss Jisung, Minho concluded that Jisung somehow knew that he was gay.

But still, why would he say that to him? Why would he hate gay people so much?

One idea slowly crept into his head and would not leave. He didn't have proof, but somehow, Minho knew that Jisung was gay.