hate to love you // minsung

5

Jisung went back to bed, forcing the lump out of his throat by gulping down a glass of water. He went to bed, and after forty minutes of no rest, he sleepily went to the bathroom. By the time he got back, the bright lights had thoroughly roused him. He lay in bed and stared up at the ceiling, willing sleep to take him. However, his mind had other plans.

A memory that had buried itself in a deep dark corner in Jisung's mind resurfaced. Earlier today, he'd thought that he'd never heard the word 'gay' to describe himself. But now he remembered something. When he was in school, he and his classmates ran around on the playground with action figures, wood chips flying up from their feet as they chased the bad guys. Jisung was teased mercilessly in school for liking a male superhero too much but continued to choose him to play with.

One day at the end of recess, he was crouched on the ground by himself, creating a story with his toys that had retired after a life of solving crime. He had his favorite action figure, the one with pointed ears and whiskers, hold the hand of another male action figure. He thought about making them kiss each other, until he heard snickers from behind him.

One of his classmates, the most popular one, had a glint in his eyes as he eyed Jisung playing. "That's gay!" he crowed, and the other children followed. They said other words that Jisung didn't understand, but somehow knew were insulting. The children were too young to know what the words they were saying really meant, and where they had learned them from. But their words still had a tremendous impact on Jisung's psyche.

"I'm not gay!" he screamed. He didn't know why, but he felt humiliated. He didn't know what it meant to be gay, but he felt ashamed.

The present-day Jisung lifted his head out of his knees and rested it on them, wrapping his arms around himself in a fetal position under the covers. Tears dripped out of his eyes as the memories vividly played in his eyes like a movie projector.

He thought of Minho, and his feelings of longing that were immediately eclipsed by shame.

"I am gay," he whispered to himself. It was the first time that he had let himself say it.