hate to love you // minsung

2

Minho sat in the living room for what felt like a long time, but was in reality only a couple of minutes. Time was distorted as thoughts about Jisung's words and motivations spun around his brain. Minho didn't feel anger, at least not yet, as he was still struggling to process what had happened.

The sound of quick footsteps made their way down the hall, snapping him out of his thoughts, and Seungmin hurried in. Seeing Minho's slumped figure and stunned expression, he knew what had happened. "Hyung, I'm so sorry!"

"It's okay, it's not your fault." Minho already had an inkling of what had happened, but he asked anyway.

Seungmin explained that he'd accidentally alluded to Minho's being gay and Jisung's reaction. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to at all. I wasn't expecting him to react like that." He crouched down to where the older sat and lowered his voice. "What did he do to you?"

"Nothing." Minho said, turning away. He didn't want to talk about it, still trying to make sense of Jisung's words. He couldn't rectify the image he had of the boy who looked at him with so much disgust with the boy that he hugged and talked to all the time. The boy who he'd opened up to so much. The boy he'd thought about kissing.

Minho couldn't quite cry at the moment, still not fully believing what had happened, but he felt a lump in his throat and an ache forming in the center of his head.

Seungmin put an arm around him, patting his back. He reassured him that he would feel better soon after talking about it, that Jisung would understand and apologize, that everything would be okay. Minho's face crumpled at the words, both at their kindness and at how false they felt. He started weeping and Seungmin pulled him into a hug, his chest aching for his friend.

Minho felt shame because of the repulsion Jisung felt toward him. It brought him back to the feelings that he'd had when he was younger, that there was something wrong with him. He had fortunately never truly believed the people who called him names or treated him like an inferior, but he feared their disgust.

He sank further into the hug, his face soiling the other's sweater, but Seungmin continued to hold him tightly.

Minho's sobs quickly abated as he cried himself out, but he struggled to breathe, taking in shuddering breaths. His heart ached with the knowledge that Jisung didn't like him at all. That Jisung hated people like him. That he hated himself.

Why did Jisung have to have been taught to hate himself? How could someone who seemed so kind be filled with so much pain to the point where it overwhelmed him and awful words exploded out, hurting both of them in the blast.

Even with the understanding that Jisung only said those things out of self hate, the words still felt like knives driven into Minho's heart.

Seungmin's phone buzzed, and he extricated himself from the hug. He cussed, looking down at the screen and began rapidly typing.

"Minho, I'm going to get help. Do you want me to take you to your room?"

Minho's automatic response would be to refuse the offer, but the thought of getting up from the floor was exhausting. So he accepted Seungmin's arms around him, supporting him as he dragged his way to his room.

"Do you want me to stay?"

Minho shook his head, wanting to curl up in a ball under his blankets, alone. He weakly climbed up the ladder to his bed and collapsed on his blankets.

Changbin came in the room after them, standing in the doorway and worriedly talking to the other. Minho couldn't quite make out their words, but it seemed that they had decided to leave him alone.

"We'll be in the living room, Minho," Changbin said kindly. "We'll check in on you soon, okay?"

Minho managed to let out a noise of agreement, and then he was left alone with his thoughts. The fantasies of him and Jisung, smothering each other with love, cuddling and kissing everywhere, taunted him. He pulled on his hair and squeezed his eyes shut in a pained grimace, willing the thoughts to go away.

They could've had a beautiful love story. The world felt so cruel and unfair.

He buried himself in his blankets. Seungmin and Changbin and Felix came in periodically to make sure that he was okay, but he pretended to be asleep every time, too tired to talk or to deal with their concern. He was unable to fall asleep for hours as thoughts raced around his head, but eventually exhaustion won out, and he fell asleep.