Shouting to wake us up
Shuffling around
Finding my last few belongings
What wasn't packed
Walking outside
The smell of fresh rain
The soft shine of the sunrise
Dogs barking for attention
Humming of the car
Billows of exhaust
Floating into the air
Leaving a place that is safe
Caressed by my favorite blanket
Reluctantly getting into the car
Feeling like I may never return
Leaving my home for a place I don't know
The hard leather seats
Somehow soft
Drifting off into a dream
A long ride feels like seconds
All the way
Sleeping
Worry free
Then it hits
Pulling up to the house
It is so familiar
Yet so strange
Love
Hope
Anxiety
Fear
All at once
They hit
A hard blow to the chest
I see his face
Through the window
The last barrier between us
In this moment
A tightness in my throat
Tears brimming my eyes
From fear or hope
Unclear
Decisions
To stay
Or
to open the door
To run to him
Into his arms
Would they be
warm
Welcoming
Or
Stone cold
Hard
Unforgiving
Do I want to see him
To hear his voice
To feel his arms
Would I feel safe this time
Would I want to run away
Back to my home
My safe place
Where nothing could touch me
I made the choice
Opened the door
The last barrier gone
He had his arms spread wide
For the last time
It seemed
To last forever
A moment of pure joy
Leaping into his arms
Then dread
Like two snakes wrapping around me
Impossible to tell their next move
Would they stay gentle
Or decide to squeeze
Never releasing
Would I ever escape
Would this feeling ever leave
I felt like I would never be safe again
Trapped
Forced
Forced to stay there
Locked in a cell
My own hell
Covered by a curtain
A sheer sheet
Look close enough
And see right through
Into
A place of agony
A place of fear
A place of anger
A place of misguided hope
A place of false love
Finally released
Free again
Not for long
Soon realization
Situation sinking in
I have to stay
Dread all over again
I run to her
My saving grace
She wraps me up
A warm embrace
Security
Shattered
She lets go too soon
Not long enough
She doesn't sweep me up
She Doesn't take me home
She Doesn't save me
She doesn't know
I can't tell her
How afraid I am
How I don't want to be here
How I don't feel safe
How I never have
I feel she knows
But she can't help
She sends me back towards him
She tells me words of comfort
"If you need me call"
"Everything will be okay"
"There is nothing to worry about"
"You will be home before you know"
I wish it were true
The days drag on
In this place
Nowhere to go
To escape
No haven
Only insecurity and misery
I reluctantly walk back
No choice now
I must stay
Each step
Causing more anxiety
I fear if I look away from her
She will be gone
Forever
Just a shadow
A sliver of memory
The time comes
she must leave
Leave me with this stranger
A person I should know
A person that gave me half of who I am
A person I should look up to
But one who I fear
One who I despise
Who I should want to be around
A person that should give me
Trust
Comfort
Love
Hope
warmth
She is gone
My guardian angel
There is no turning back now
No way home
She is so far away
Intense dread fills me
I feel lost and alone
Nowhere to go
Nowhere to hide
