30/03/2021. 7:36PM
Lately, I haven't been feeling well. It's not a new feeling, well, not really. It feels new yet familiar at the same time, because it is. I used to feel this way all the time, then I thought I was getting better. I guess not. I can't seem to escape it, it always finds me and comes back, not matter what I do. I can feel this way for months at a time then it goes away for maybe a month or two, or it can come back and stay for a week and leave just as quick. Nonetheless, it always returns. It's like falling down the rabbit hole, only again and again and again.
I've tried so many things to make it permanently leave me alone. I've written down so many things to do and new hobbies to try, but nothing. I keep trying to distract myself from it but I don't have the motivation to get up and do something distracting enough to get my mind of what I'm feeling. Like what Pudge said in "Looking For Alaska", I cant do nothing but I'm too tired to do something, something along those lines, can't be bothered to actually look through the book and find the exact words he said even though I just finished the book a few hours ago( I honestly expected it to be better).
I keep having this false sense of hope whenever I start feeling better. I keep thinking maybe it was all in my head since it was so easy for me to "be well". Truth is, I don't know what well feels like, I don't remember how it feels like, maybe I've never felt it. I don't know if I truly want to get better, I've been accustomed to this for years, I don't know how to "be okay" even if I am sometimes.
