Everything is not as it seems

The white light

Giggling, a child's' laugh, that's the sound ringing through my ears whilst my head whips around frantically trying to search for the source of the laugh. I have no clue what is going on since the last thing i can remember is a hand squeezing my thigh, but i don't know who's hand it was or what happened after. My eyes narrow into the background and i see a little girl around the age of seven running around smiling, i start to take a step closer however my feet won't move off the ground. The sky is as white as snow but there is also a light, a white one to be exact, i have never been scared in my life but as of right now i am, i just want to move, i want to run away, through the wind, eyes closed.

The girl comes closer to me but it seems like something is stopping her, but then i hear the voices i haven't heard in years, the voices that bought so much comfort to me once in my life. My Parents. I want to cry, i want to scream but i feel so empty and exhausted. Seeing them for the first time in years is like a new light to my life, they weren't just my parents they were the people who kept my alive even in my darkest times. My feet still fixated on one spot, i feel a presence to my left, turning my head it feels like my heart has just stopped as i stare back at myself, but instead i'm all bloody and bruised, scratches on my face, blood on my shirt. Is that really me i think to myself, what the fuck has happened, why can't i remember anything. My breath picks up and my hands start to shake, with my eyes feeling watery i'm about to cry but my body is stopping me, the feeling is like someone has taken my soul and my emotions straight out of me and just left me confused and empty, i look back down to the floor just wanting answers on what is going on.

"Funny thing isn't it?" the voice next to me speaks, strong and confident for someone who looks like they have just gone through some sort of hell on earth. It takes me a second to process that the question has been aimed at me, taking a deep breath, i refuse to be scared, i refuse to be weak.

"What is?" I ask keeping my voice as steady as i possibly can in a circumstance like this, although i'm still not sure what is truly going on. I don't know if this is real or if this is all in my head. "Life" is the response i receive. Staying silent, closing my eyes trying to drown out the voice and wake up from this horrible confusing nightmare. "Everything is not as you remember. Everything is not as it seems." As i hear these words the person saying them doesn't sound as confident and fierce as she had before. Maybe it was just all in my imagination, Maybe it was just another technique of mine to try and escape my endless, exhaustion of my meaningless life, this couldn't be real. It wasn't normal, but what is normal? The saying that not everything is as it seems stays in my head, it makes me wonder; what is the meaning of life, if no one really cares about you did you even exist? and right now the only people who ever cared about me are gone, and they have been for years, even if i find out what truly happened to them it will never bring them back and it will never take away that void feeling i have within.

"Fight or give up,"

"You can chose to fight or you can chose to give up, all the choice is up to you." I don't know how long i was silent for, every second i'm standing here staring into the white light before me, i question do i have the strength to fight for whatever choice i have, i have been fighting my whole life. Fighting against my own thoughts and my own dreams. Can i really take anymore? Do i want to fight? As i go to respond there is a strong wind that crashes straight into my back, the impact of the wind causes my eyes too close and i instantly relax.

The wind, darkness and books have always been my safe haven, they make me feel secure and like i'm in another world, just like i feel like i'm in another world right now. I have made up my mind, i know what i am going to choose, i don't know where that will leave or led me to but it's my final choice. Opening my eyes and seeing an empty room, i could no longer see my younger self with my parents, i could no longer see the silhouette standing next to me, i could no longer hear the giggling ringing through my ears. It was silent, taking one last breathe before i either fight or give up, the light blinding me for one quick second before all i can see is darkness.

The sound of beeping and muffled voices are now ringing in my ears.

I made my choice i just hope i made the right one, but only time will tell.

ok so yeah. nothing else to say.