Clairvoyant {a.f.i}

antelogium

Concrete is cold at night. It's cold at night when you're outside of a nightclub, in a tight dress, boobs are able to spill out over the neckline any minute and my only source of heat is the cigerette in my hand. I lost my shoes on the dancefloor somewhere whilst I was grinding onto some strangers crotch, as soon as I felt his bulge grow and his grip tighten I left and ended up smoking outside in the middle of the night.

I may have been drunk, but I wasn't stupid. I knew of my surroundings and what was happening. I just drank to get away from everything. From the people. Dead or alive, it didn't really matter to me, I see them all, hear them all.

You can have as many scans as you want as a kid to try and show a mental illness or a deformity of some kind. Frankly, because I can see the dead, my parents thought that I was delirious and "needed fixing". At the age of fucking six I was pinned down on my bed as a doctor gave a tranquilizer to calm me down because I could see my grandparents smiling at me just a few days after they died in a car accident.

Giving a six year old a tranquilizer is fucking disgusting and my mum didn't do anything to stop it, she just wanted me to stop screaming. Whilst I wanted it all to fucking stop.

Two years later I was diagnosed with Anxiety. Two years later and they couldn't find anything wrong with me otherthan the fact that I had Anxiety. Of course, I had Anxiety! You would too if you saw dead people and you didn't know reality from the other side and you were approached by many strange faces as they asked you to give their loved ones messages. I didn't wanna fucking give their loved ones messages, I didn't know their loved ones and it's bad enough that strangers were walking up to me nevermind me walking up to strangers. Not good for my Anxiety.

I had no problems with anything else though. I didn't have a problem with my looks or my size, I was actually quite pleased with myself, I thought myself to be quite pretty. My friends wouldn't disagree either, all three of them would always feign shock and surprise everytime the topic of me never having a boyfriend came up. However, let's be honest with ourselves here. What guy wants to date a girl that drinks too much, smokes (not just tobacco), afraid of commitment, has anxiety and can see dead people. No guy wants a girl like that.

Ri and Luna like to always turn my life into some sort of love story and they want a guy to come and "sweep me off my feet" and "save me from my own darkness". That's never going to happen because I don't have my own darkness, I have everyones. I know what happens after death and I don't want to end up like all of these people on the other side, and the thought that I'm going to end up like them scares me.

Lorlei sees my side of things more and the fact that no guy can "fix me" and I have to fix myself. I have to deal with this in my own way, if I let another person do it for me just because I feel something more for them than just lust then I'm screwed. You should never let someone sort out your own problems if you can fix them by yourself as you'll just become dependent, and I don't want that to happen to me.

I want to be independent. I want to be with something not because I need to be but because I want to be.

Of course Ri said that I should have stayed at home and listen to music until she gets up to Leeds from London. But, the travels from London take a long time and music on full blast can only work for so long. She knew how badly things got, and she knew that if I'd given up on music that I'd either be in the club that I was sat infront of or on the path of which I was sitting on. I just waited for her to come and get me and tell me that I wasn't losing my fucking mind.