The Exilir And The Poison

Chapter 7: Cold and Rain

“Some people smoke, others drink, and others fall in love, each one dies in a different way.” – Unknown

“You need to come home, RV. For how long are you going to be here?” Ritika glances around the small, dusty room, cocooned in a large apartment in Mumbai. Ranveer looks out of the window, eyes searching for something particular to hold but to no avail. There are too many distractions. When he hears Ritika’s voice again, he looks at her, questioning eyes aimed at her in accusation.

“What are you doing here?”

She coughs, looks around the room again, and rolls her eyes. “How do you even live here?”

Ranveer fills a glass of alcohol, and leans back in his chair, hoping, wishing she will leave the room. Maybe if he remains quiet, she will go. However, she is persistent. Ranveer closes his eyes, uncertain of speaking anything that will be taken differently. What is he supposed to say? His only friend since Ishaani  left was one of the liars who kept him in the dark. He wants to question her about everything that happened. But liars never tell the truth.

“You need to go home.” He plucks a cigarette from the stand and lights it.

“Now you’re a smoker, too?”

“Why do you care?”

“We were getting married, Ranveer. The whole bloody world thinks I’m your wife. What do you expect?”

“I never married you.” He feels foolish for once believing Ritika understood him.

“Ishaani is married, Ranveer. You can’t mourn over her all your life. You have to move on, alright?”

He huffs, wheeling back to look out of the window, tapping his foot, and grinds the cigarette out on the ashtray.

“Your parents are sick worried about you. You can’t keep doing this to them again and again.”

“Do what?”

Ritika grits her teeth, shuts her eyes, then speaks in an exaggerated patience. “They only wanted to help you. They knew Ishaani wasn’t coming back. She’d hurt you, Ranveer, and what they did was only out of love. There was nothing wrong in what they did.”

“Leave, Ritika. I need some rest.”

“But–”

“Do you not understand simple words, Ritika?”

“I thought you were better than this, Ranveer. You’ve not only hurt your parents but me as well. After my father’s death, I only had you. If not love, at least you could give me your loyalty. This is what I’d asked from you, Ranveer. You couldn’t even give me a tiny bit of loyalty.”

Ranveer takes another sip of whiskey, quietly hoping he’s left alone. After several moments of silence, he hears the door slam shut, and he closes his eyes. Ritika’s words come back at him, but he decides to push them away. This isn’t the time to think about them.

“Ranveer?”

It’s Nitin. His worried eyes scan Ranveer as Ranveer struggles to keep his eyes open.

“What time is it?”

“It’s midnight.”

“Why aren’t you in your room?”

“Someone told me they heard your screams.”

“I wasn’t screaming.” His eyes stare down at the mattress. “It just—”

“Hey, it’s okay.”

“How long is this going to be like this? I mean for how long am I going to be a burden on people?”

“You aren’t a burden.”

Ranveer scoffs. Everyone’s been telling him lies. People need to stop.

“People respect you. They respect your name.”

“They don’t know a thing about Ranveer. RV is just a name.”

“A powerful one.”

Ranveer smiles, an unintentionally sarcastic laugher. “And what about me?”

“If they knew you’re RV, they will—”

“They will ridicule me for a past in which I always took pride.”

“You need to talk, Ranveer. Until you speak, I won’t be able to help you.”

“Then what?”

“Why did you give one person that power to destroy you?”

“You think it was in my control?”

“It wasn’t?”

“I knew I could never have her, but I also knew she would never do this to me.”

“But she did.”

Something breaks within Ranveer, old memories grating against his heart. His thoughts go back to the innocent days he thought were the world’s only reality. She was everything he could ever ask in a human being — kind, compassionate, passionate about life, until... she wasn’t. He thinks of the days his family worked for the Parekhs, and wonders if all the good memories he had preserved were only an illusion, a lie she repeatedly told him. She didn’t consider him a friend, or a human, for her to ever truly acknowledge his existence.

Just a servant.

Ranveer hears her giggle somewhere in the background, close or far off in the distance, he doesn’t know. She’s close but too far away.

“You need to go back to sleep,” Ranveer says. “I’m sorry for waking you up.”

Nitin stays quiet, watching the cluster of the lights flicker in the next town below them. He knows he needs to stay strong, but Ranveer barely looks alive. It’s either because he’s tired because of journey or he is beyond exhausted because of life. He can provide only so much as an older companion and someone who made a similar mistake once upon a time. Nitin only thinks of the months of pain Falguni had to go through until she met someone who accepted her for who she was.

Was she as bad as Ranveer is right now? Did she question everything — her existent, her life, and her entire self because he had been too cowardly? Nitin sighs. Ranveer has a name. A powerful name. But it isn’t enough for him. What was it that Ishaani said that has been making him question everything?

“Ranveer?”

Ranveer glances at Nitin, but his eyes hold the familiar lost look, as though he’s drowning in somewhere deep with no one to hold him.

“When are you going to start the work?”

“We have a meeting tomorrow with the government officials.”

“Are you sure you can do this?”

“Yes, why not?”

Ranveer looks far too fragile to face anything, even the work he loves.

“You need to stop worrying about me,” Ranveer says. “I’ll be alright.”

“Can you blame me for that?” Nitin chuckles.

Ranveer smiles as he watches Nitin take a leave.

It is past 2 o’clock. Ranveer lies in his bed, tossing and turning in his place. The room, despite low temperature outside, resembles an infernal oven. Fire in the hearth is dead, hardly aflame, burning like the smoldering opal, its flares barely a dying spark. Ranveer stands up, taking a deep breath, and walks to the balcony, relishing in the silence of the night. It’s been eight hours since he landed in Mussoorie, yet it feels he’s been here before, known this place for time immemorial. Thanks to Nitin, his apartment was ready when they arrived. Despite this, there’s no peace. Not here, not at night, or in the afternoon or any time of the day.

Ishaani isn’t here. She isn’t going to find out where he lives. They’ll never meet again. The thought strikes like a cruel punch in his guts. He’s invisible, like a specter cutting his way through the crowded streets of the city that thrives on the living. Why can’t she see him? A part of him laughs in mockery, ridiculing him for harboring hopes after his love rusted in twilight for years. He can’t stop himself from fantasizing, even if hoping is forbidden in this realm, should he ever cross his paths with her again. His heart quivers at the thought, burns in a wretched agony, woefully devastated at the truth it doesn’t yet want to comprehend.

He wants to see the future, of hope or hopelessness, he barely cares right now, but he wishes he can see her, albeit for a fleeting moment. Suddenly, this thought, too, resembles one of his childhood fancies, immaterial in the real world. He’s thankful the ghosts are silent in this room or the loneliness will be too much to handle.

Icy moon plays hide and seek behind the clouds, occasional sparkle of the stars peering through the thin curtains of the night. Somewhere in the distance a thunder rolls, followed by the howls of the wind heralding a storm or a night-long downpour. The temperature drops further as the world below him glows, tiny objects flickering in the glaring darkness.

When the morning arrives, Ranveer is still awake, sitting on the chair near the window, watching the rain fall from the amethyst sky, form the pool before him. It’s a unseasoned rain.

Why is God crying?

Maybe it’s a superstition. Probably this untimely rain doesn’t mean anything. If it means nothing, then why does it seem to whisper something to him?

Fool.



Nitin is late to the meeting. He glances at his phone as Ranveer’s message gleams on the screen. At 10 am, sharp.

When Nitin arrives the second floor of the otherwise occupied tall building, he is stunned to see Ranveer seated in his place with the poise, a sense of certainty, and a confidence he hasn’t seen in him in months. His thin form sits erect, eyes fixed at the crowd before him, hands patiently resting on the table. As Nitin heads in, Ranveer gestures him to sit. At least ten men are seated on the either side of the table, occupying their places, their heads turned toward him. Ranveer begins to speak, for the work he’s moved here, so far from his home, and Nitin can’t help but notice a glaring life-like spark furiously burning in the cold furnace of his soul. It’s not hopeless. Not yet.

Ranveer speaks of the construction of a new hotel in the hotel chain in the state and a rope-way to the three temples paths of which pass through the city. People listen intently and Nitin can’t help but smile in relief. It’s a hope he hadn’t expected until Ishaani, if she ever came here, was with Ranveer. Ranveer has always taken a refuge in work, plowing tirelessly until he could not move a muscle, and this is how he is continuing right now. The men are impressed and delighted as they shake hands with Ranveer, congratulating him for the inception of the new projects. The third project will begin six months after when they’re done with building the rope ways. Even if Ranveer is quiet on the subject, Nitin knows it’s the toughest task there is in the projects. From the resources and safety perspective, the mountains have been always hostile to the men who meddled in their quiet ways, no matter how noble the intentions were.

Ranveer sees off the people who promise him to provide a better building in the next two days. He receives a phone call from one of his men who apologizes profusely for the delay in setting up a proper building for the regular office work. The guests need better treatment. They weren’t expecting him so soon. Nitin assures them that it isn’t a big deal and returns to the office, a small smile on his lips.

“It went well,” Nitin says. Ranveer nods in agreement. “When do we begin the work?”

“Soon,” Ranveer answers.

Ranveer eyes the large vista of soft green and bright blue colors expanding before him to an infernal depth before blending into the silver tinted road, and then continuing to  the same endless paths, meeting the horizon where crimson clouds greet it. The wind blows cool and fragrant, rich with spring colors. The rain a few hours ago hasn’t managed to suppress the spirit of the morning sun as its glow valiantly pervades through the gradually wakening world. It’s comforting to be here in the lap of the Nature and know your little, meaningless existence does matter. He’s here for a purpose and refuses to think about anything beyond this particular moment.

In spite of this, a thought of sharing this surreal moment with Ishaani suddenly crosses his mind before he’s rendered awake by a sharp pain in his chest. The world becomes gloomy. Either the sun has hidden herself behind a long black cloud or it’s something else, Ranveer, for a moment, can’t grasp reality. He focuses on the world outside, the sounds of the birds, the honking of the vehicles, people chattering. But it’s ghostly quiet. The sound of his own breathing is magnified manifolds. Nitin… He’s not here. Ranveer tries to speak but the words are frozen in his throat.

“Ishaani?” Unintentionally, her name leaves his lips. She laughs. The walls in the room cave in, sucking him inside as the room grows smaller and smaller. The signs of all the living things disappear from his sight, leaving in their wake a treacherously cold emptiness that resembles death, but so far away it’s not friendly anymore. He’s spent his life like a sleepwalker, treading aimlessly in the world, uncertainly yet without questioning things.

All for her.