The Exilir And The Poison

Chapter 17: The Sound of the Silence

“He suddenly felt nothing, or rather Nothing, a pre-tornadic stillness of zero sensation, as if he were the very space he occupied.” ~ David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest

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Ishaani takes a turn in the room, touching the sheet still wrapped in his scent, the book placed at the bed, the pen lying near the notebook. She eyes the table, its half-opened drawer and gasps as she peeks inside. Her photographs look back at her along with the wind-chime she once kept with her. The same wind-chime that marked his arrival whenever he was away. Today, it lies empty and dead and lifeless, resembling the eroded state of their love. The wind-chime is devoid of its music and magic, its essence that made it what she once came to believe, his presence and his love. She had killed the magic. She had silenced its music. The wind-chime no longer bears the same meaning to her. But Ranveer had kept all of her souvenirs with him while she was away.
 
She sobs suddenly, breaking into a fitful of tears as her thoughts take her back to the times things were right. She remembers the broken look on his face, his hopeless gaze peeking at her whenever he tried to decipher her behavior. His words meant to jar her, doing her no arm other than confirming her belief of her having pushed him away from her forever. But life wasn’t all that simple. Ishaani thinks of her father. He always had these solutions. No matter the issue, no matter their complexity, he knew how to solve the problem. He had a knack in tackling the matters of heart so eloquently it often surprised her and Ranveer. Ishaani closes her eyes as though to summon the spirit of her long gone father, hoping against hope that he will hear her and return, albeit briefly, to aid her against her misjudgments and bad decisions. She wants to right her wrong but is too terrified to take another step without him guiding her.
 
Ishaani feels the warmth of the sunlight blend with the cool of the late afternoon as the sun moves past the trees, a tiny structure slightly above the horizon. Ranveer has been away to his regular checkup with Nitin and she is all alone in the house. Her fingers trace the items in his room. A small Ganesha idol, his laptop, a handful of files. Despite her absence, to Ishaani, the room feels like her. In spite of the room showing no trace of her existence, she knows it’s her. Probably it’s the result of his thoughts, his memories that kept her alive in an unlikely place.
 
Ishaani makes a phone call to Baa, the only one from her family that knew her heart, the only one who had disappointed her beyond what her words could ever express. Ishaani knows she almost convinced Ranveer of her hatred, and despite this he had never stopped chasing her. Her entire family had accepted her and Shikhar’s relationship, except for Baa. She remembers Baa’s inscrutable expressions as she watched Ranveer walk into Shikhar’s house. Unlike everyone, Baa was never annoyed with Ranveer. Ishaani never dared to ask her why she allowed him in Shikhar’s house, despite Ranveer’s presence irking everyone else, his conduct questionable. Oftentimes, she saw anguish hovering over the old woman’s face as Ranveer wandered around Ishaani. She knew that Ranveer never interacted with anyone other than her. He came there to tell her how much he hated her, how she destroyed his life, how he would rather be better without her any given day. Yet the conviction of words he spoke never reached his eyes. His grief was silent, a quiet rain on the ocean.

Her conversation with Baa goes smoother than she had expected. Baa was startled at her harsh and desperate tone, her words meant to prick the one at the receiving end. How could people around her keep a secret so important from her? It was a matter of life and death, of their love, and their sanity. Ishaani immediately felt guilty for dumping her anger at her grandmother. After all, she herself was the one who made sure Ranveer stayed away from her. She had ensured he never came close. How could Baa ever be blamed for what she herself did?

“I wanted you both to be happy. For a long time, I believed your happiness was with each other, Ishaani. Then that night, I saw you surrender. Until then, I saw a spark in your eyes, and your longing for Ranveer. That spark was extinguished that night. I wasn’t sure what to say. Maybe Shikhar was the right person for you, after all.”