Stay Away - Choi Chanhee the boyz New

Goodbye

Trigger warning-

"We're both busy. And I think I'm not ready. I have so much stress recently, I just need some time to myself," I say slowly, lying with every word. And I'm a burden to you.

I look up to see chanhee's eyes. He doesn't seem to believe me, darn his logical brain.

"But, I'm here to help. I'm trying to help you with your stress, no matter how busy I am," he says.

"I know. But- it's just not safe," I say, "Just, please stay away" I look him straight in the eye, gathering all my seriousness from their VLive comments, and gave him an 'i'm not joking' look.

Once he sees this I immediately see his eyes gloss over and my heart shatters.  I know Chanhee is a sensitive person, he doesn't show it often, but he can get upset easily. Which isn't a bad thing,, but not many people notice it.

He gently lets go of my hand and squats down on the stair, hiding his face in his hands, though I can still sense his tears.

"Please, let me help you," He says quietly, almost whispering.

I'm so sorry. I quickly turn the other way as tears fall down my face. Not being able to utter another word I walk away.

I speed walk down the rest of the staircase to the exit. Before I close the door I hear a soft quiet sob from the boy of my dreams and guilt washes over. I shut the door silently and slide down, crying into my knees.

What have I done.
I'll never forget the look on his face.
Am I selfish?
I'm  following the rules. I'm doing what I was told. But at what cost?
I'll miss you more than anything in my life.

I sob until I can't anymore and I check my phone.

Eunbibi
How are you doing?
I hope you're okay
Kiki just finished practice, I think she feels super bad that you passed out
Anyways, I'm in the dorm now, I know you don't want to rest
But please tell me where you are, just so I know

Me
thanks Eunbi ㅜㅜ
I'm fine, my headache is not too bad, I'm going out for some fresh air, I'll be back soon

Eunbibi
Okey, thanks <3

I put my phone in my pocket and walk out the company back door. I start walking along the river buried in my thoughts.

Okay me, let's just reflect a bit. Let's just step back. I broke up with Chanhee just now. I broke his heart. I did what the unknown person wanted me to. I'll meet them in a week. Maybe after that it will all be over? I haven't posted on instagram in weeks, I haven't done VLive in a while, I just performed normally, ignored hate, I've been trying to lead a normal idol life. Just what the unknown person wants me to do. Now I'm safe. I'm keeping my friends safe. But why does it feel so wrong.

I reach the small bridge across the river and stand in the middle, looking down. It's very windy, and the water make dangerous waves in the dark navy water. This is where Chanhee and i kissed. Silent tears roll down my face, even throughout trainee life, throughout the cyberbullying, the attacks, I have never been in more pain than I am now.

This isn't right. This isn't what I want. I need help. I need Choi Chanhee.

I whip out my phone and click on his contact.

Me
Hey, can you meet me outsi-

My phone is slapped out of my hand and rolls to the side of the bridge. I look up in shock to meet the hidden face of the hooded person.

"wh- what are you doing here? You said a week. I had a week!" I shout at the person, legs shaking.

"Yet here you are. Disobeying my orders. You were about to contact him again weren't you," the person speaks in their gender neutral voice.

"I wasn't- no, I was. And so what?! You can't control my life for ever. You can't manipulate me, I don't even know you. how could I have been so weak all this time?!" I say, partially to myself.

"I've had enough. You are not strong. You are not pretty. You are not talented," the person takes a step closer to me.

"Why is everyone saying that to me?!" I yell.

"Because it's true. And you ruin everything around you." the person says.

"Stop. Stop it," I cover my ears but I can still hear the person clearly.

"You should just disappear,"

"I know I should. You think I don't know these things?! I want to disappear. I- I"m a burden to everyone around me," I sob.

"Then let me make it easier for you," The person grabs my wrist and drags me closer to the bridge railing.

"Stop," I say, half heartedly. Why am I not fighting back hard?

The person somehow gets me on the railing, only holding me by the arm. I look down towards the water, but I can't see or feel my fear, it's only blocked by my tears. Nothing matters anymore.

"Any last requests?" the person asks me, eerily calm.

"Who are you?" I ask. My body shivers from the cold wind and water below me, but my voice is stable.

The person laughs. "Well why not. I got what I want. You get what you want," the person takes their hood down and lowers their mask.

No. No way. 

The girl stares down at me. Smiling familiarly. The girl who is prettier than me. The girl who sings better. The girl who dances better. The girl who has it all.

Kiki Chen.

I choke on air, my eyes widen, tears no longer blurring my vision. My once empty head is now flooded with thoughts. I can't breathe, I can't move, and most certainly I can't speak.

Looking satisfied, Kiki smiles.

"Good girl, Hana. It will all be over soon," Kiki says, slowly releasing her grip on my arm as I dangle closer to the water.

Her soothing voice that I once admired during performances now have creepy meaning. But nevertheless, why do I not feel panicked? I swallow. My interconflict stopping my movement. Not even knowing what I feel, i close my eyes.

I don't even feel when Kiki releases her grip completely and I fall back into the water. I open my eyes and the last thing I see is her pretty face smiling back at me. No regret visible. The girl who has it all walks away without a trace.

I hit the cold water suddenly my body frozen immediately. I can't move, I obviously can't breathe. All I can do is think. I don't feel any pain, just numb from my thoughts.

Why? Why Kiki? I thought we were friends, band mates, family even.
So this is where it ends.
This is where my story ends?
All my hard work. Gone.
All my "talents". Gone.
All the goals that I worked for. Gone.
I made it. I debuted. But again. At what cost?
Is this really what I wanted?
Most importantly. All my relationships?
Gone.

I don't even know at what point when I blacked out. I was too busy drowning in my thoughts rather than in the water.

I am gone.
and it's a good thing.
I can sing.
I can dance.
I'm pretty.
So what?

I don't need help. I don't need anyone. I don't need myself.

I'm fine.

Read 10:07 pm