Why am I here?? ~Dean Ambrose

~~1~~

I just pressed the blade to my wrist and slid it down! I did not care what anyone would say! The pain was so overwhelming, it needed to end... No matter how it happened.
"Janessa???? WHAT DID YOU DO???" Asked my best friend Taylor. I was at Taylor's house for the month, as my parents where never home!
"You know I cut Taylor! Don't judge me! I can't help it!!!" I snapped at her, a little too loudly, as her big sister bursts through the door asking what was going on.
I could feel myself fading and I looked down and noticed a pool of blood... I could no longer keep my eyes open! The last thing I remember was Cassidy (Taylor's older sister) calling 911 for an ambulance! What have I done??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*BEEP... BEEP... BEEP*
I woke up to the sound of a hospital heart monitor... How did I get here?
My mind instantly flashed back to last night as I remembered snapping at Taylor, I think I really hurt her!! I looked around the room to find Taylor or Cassidy, but I could not find either of them anywhere!
"Taylor??!?" I said slightly louder than a normal tone.
"Cassidy??!?" Again slightly louder then before.
I looked to my left an noticed I had my phone on the table next to me, I decided to raise it to eye level and text Taylor
To:Taylor
Hey Tay Tay... Where are you?? I don't like being alone and especially not in the hospital... Plz text me when you get this!!! ~Janessa

I waited but not even a full minute later, she texted back
From:Taylor
OMG NESSA YOU SCARED THE HELL OUTA ME!!!! Please never do that again!!! I am just outside of your room.. I am not allowed in yet, but keep texting my BBG ~Taylor

Taylor was seriously the only good thing in my life right now!! I love her so much, and would most likely be dead without her!

To:Taylor
Okay Taylor I love you but my eyelids have gone heavy and I must sleep... I will text you when it wake up! ~Janessa

And with that I left her! Suddenly my eyelids slid closed and I was drifting into a deep sleep!

I ended up waking every hour, jolting up, every time feeling a sharp pain in my wrists.

The last time I woke up it was about 8:00 in the morning, I decided to text Taylor.

To: Taylor.
Hey boo, sorry if I wake you. What time do visiting hours start? I miss you!

I waited for an answer, yet never received one so I just sat up and played games on my phone for a while.

Once I lost about 300 times I looked down at my wrist, seeing the bandages and a lump formed into my throat. A light stinging in my eyes, I wiped them quickly before a tear could fall and everything that happened last night came back.

I was laying on my bed in Taylor's guest room, it was pretty late so I just closed my eyes, trying to fall asleep. The fact that my mom and step dad could just leave me, send me to my friends house and say goodbye, no worries about me, is really starting to get to me. It happens often but... How do they just say goodbye! I always worry about them when they leave because I love my mom... Robert kind of scares me though. I started to cry, my mom is usually all I have but she doesn't love me enough to bring me with her or anything... Nobody loves me. My dad left, my mom left, everybody leaves...

I would be better off dead. I start sobbing quietly, not wanting Taylor or Cassidy to hear me. I'm so useless! I'm not good in school, I'm not drop dead gorgeous... I mean I'm fit, but that's my only good feature. And I could be more fit! I'm worthless, a waste of oxygen, a waste of skin... Just a waste.

I don't deserve to have a friend like Taylor, or anything! The only thing I deserve is to die. Nobody will miss me except Taylor and she'll be better off without me anyways. I slowly and quietly made my way to my bag, bawling and trying to stay quiet as I sat the wooden flooring, this way I won't leave a stain on the bed.

I cried as I lightly slit my skin, wanting to feel the sting of the cold metal, slowly becoming deeper and deeper with my cuts, eventually letting myself let go, as I slit a vein, I watched the blood gush out for a second before Taylor came in.

"Are you sleeping already cos I really wanna know if- OH MY GOSH, JANESSA!"

I felt the tears fall now as I looked back on the horrid memory, how could I do that to her? How could I put my best friend through that?

I quickly used the light material blanket on the hospital bed and wiped my eyes, not wanting anybody to come in and see me.

Soon a doctor came into my hospital room.

"Hello Janessa, I'm your doctor, my name is Doctor Layfeild, but you can call me Shawn." A doctor probably still In his twenties said to me, he was pretty hot, probably only four years older then me, I'm 22.

"Thankyou for taking care of me, Shawn." I said, trying to hide my smirk. He chuckled lightly.

"Okay, Janessa... I know these wounds are self inflicted. I can't let you go until I know you're in a solid state." He told me, I nodded.

"I'm fine, Shawn." I said. "Don't worry, it won't happen again..." I trailed. "Probably." I whispered quietly.

He looked at me scanning my face, "we are going to have to run some tests." He said, leaving the room.