G R E Y

Chapter 1 - Dropped Internet

I lost count of the times I sat & stared at my screen, wishing my internet would drop.
I wanted an excuse to end the calls. I pretended to sleep & have my battery run down so the calls would stop.
In reality, I was silent, waiting for the clock to show a random time before I pressed 'End Call'.
Sometimes if he were sleeping, I'd stay quiet, I'd mute & wait to see if he noticed when I'd left at all.
The silence that followed was hauntingly loud. I wouldn't feel happy or calm or content with my thoughts. I'd cry in the dark, I'd roll over & over trying to force sleep when sleep was my only refuge.
Sometimes leaving silently would work. I'd exit & finally be able to breathe, finally be able to comprehend the hurt I was feeling.
Sometimes it wouldn't work & I'd be back at square one.
Another would scream at me on calls. Love bomb, talk, shout then hang up.
He'd insult me then love me. He'd whisper then shout, He'd joke then yell.
It was a cycle & it's a cycle I stayed in for no other reason than shame & because it felt like a personalised special place in hell.
Shame & the feeling that I was trapped. Trapped but also thinking that this was love. That this relationship was normal.
It really wasn't & I see that now but back then I didn't know any better & I just thought it was a normal thing.
I would be in group calls in which he would join & ask for a private word. Once alone, he'd change & honestly become a whole other person of which only had my darkest parts to dangle over me & sing about it.
I thought that after that breakup, I'd finally learnt the red flags & signs & manipulation but obviously, I hadn't. Or if I did, I never did anything to help myself.