PSYCHOMACHIA // matty healy

3.

We must've trudged around London's outskirts for the best part of thirty minutes, Matty's phone beamed with the image of google maps and every now and then a robotic voice would announce we were two hundred yards away from our destination. We'd taken a wrong turn somewhere and ended up back where we started twice, I was starting to wonder if I should've just gone home.

"Right, I know where I am now it's not far from here." He put his phone in his back pocket, the houses surrounding us looked to be taller than the redwood trees I'd driven past in California. Each house was a cream-ivory colour and they all had three stories each. I always wondered what on earth someone would do with all that space, my apartment was more than enough for me. I liked the charming clutter, I wouldn't know how to cope with an empty abyss of hallways and empty bedrooms. I rarely came to this part of London - it was overrun with rich conservatives that daren't look you in the eye if you walked past them on the street. Matty led me up the porch stairs and pressed a doorbell next to the black front door. I could make out the faint drum line of a song, it sounded like The Smiths but it wasn't clear enough. A tall man opened the door from the inside and smiled at me and Matty,

"Hiya mate, come in!" He beckoned us in and stepped aside, "Did I hear your song on the radio the other day or am I thinking of someone else?" He shifted his gaze to me as he waited for my response.

"Oh, it might have been me I think." I smiled politely as I followed Matty inside the house. The rumble of chatter and music made the floorboards underneath me vibrate; the ceilings were so high I felt like a borrower that had escaped from hiding.

"Help yourself to any drinks in the kitchen, if you need me come get me." The man sauntered off to what I assumed to be the living room where the music played from. His words were slightly slurred from drunkenness so I figured he wouldn't want to hang around talking to us. Matty had already started making his way to the kitchen and I stuck close to him, he was the most familiar thing in such an unfamiliar setting.

"Esther, have you tried this before?" Matty held up a bottle of red wine and I shook my head. "Honestly, it's divine. It's not cheap though, something like four-hundred quid a bottle." I raised my eyebrows in a slight state of shock, he'd already started to uncork the bottle.

"Are you sure we should be drinking this then?" I said dubiously,

"He doesn't care, he's absolutely minted. It's like peanuts to him." Matty scurried around the kitchen and came back brandishing two wine glasses. He poured the wine into the two glasses and handed one to me, I swirled the deep crimson liquid before sipping it. It was smooth with a lingering peppery aftertaste, Matty's lips crinkled into a slight smirk. "Good, right?"

"I have a feeling this isn't gonna end well." I chuckled before taking another sip.

I stumbled around, searching for Matty after a trip to the toilet. We'd finished off nearly two bottles of the wine, my lips were stained a plum colour and I couldn't stop myself from giggling. I found him loitering with a few other guests, surprisingly I'd found we'd had a lot more in common than I'd originally anticipated. We'd shared book recommendations and reminisced on our old lives up north. We'd both grown up just outside of Manchester, both of us desperate to find a place for ourselves in the music industry. I caught his eye and he weaved his way back to me,

"I was thinking of leaving soon, I don't want to stay too late."

"That's fine," I stared into those same vacant eyes, "Ready when you are." While Matty said his goodbyes to the same man who greeted us at the door, I checked the time out of curiosity. There was an antique grandfather clock in the hallway, reading four o-clock. I was astonished at how late it was, I thought we'd only stayed an hour. When I turned back around Matty was by my side, leading me back to the front door. We stepped out into the humid air, it was already starting to get lighter outside.

"How far away are you from here?" He asked,

"Not too far, what about you?"

"Me neither,"

"I'll walk you back?"

"Alright."

I followed him down the streets, the pavement glinting in the remnants of moonlight. The gentle breeze blew through my hair, cooling my scalp down. I wondered what it must be like to be Matty, such a high-in-demand rockstar (I'll use that term loosely) with a seemingly perfect way of living. We were always the second choice compared to them, it didn't help with the media constantly pitting us against each other with them somehow always coming out on top. I was envious, I thought he had it so easy. Brit awards, a model girlfriend, famous parents; it also made me wonder how he was caught up in the tight grasp of opioids when everything seemed idyllic. I must've been lost in my thoughts for longer than anticipated when he spoke up,

"This is me," He smiled at me as we stood outside a picturesque apartment block.

"Goodnight then," I smiled back as he approached the door.

"Goodnight, Esther."

I attempted to gather my bearings in the unfamiliar location, but before I set off walking I heard a grumble come from Matty's direction.

"I can't find my key card."

"Oh," I responded dryly, there were a few seconds of silence between us. "Do you want to stay at mine for the night?"

"If you wouldn't mind?"

"It's not far, only about ten minutes."

He followed behind me like my shadow, I was looking forward to winding down on my own. I was still quite tipsy; it felt like the world shifted with every step I took. I waited for him to say something, to fill the void with some pseudo-intellectual bollocks that'd bore me half to death. But he said nothing - once again surprising me as most of the time he couldn't keep his mouth shut. We approached my familiar apartment block, I dug around in my small, black leather bag for my keys and led him inside. I took the stairs as my apartment was only on the second floor, our footfalls echoed throughout the silent building. I unlocked my door and swung it open once we reached it, kicking my shoes off and turning back around to Matty.

"I'll pull out the sofa and you can sleep on that, it's quite comfortable. Make yourself at home." I grappled with the sofa for a couple of minutes before pulling it out and unfolding it, I quickly padded to the chest of drawers where I kept spare bedding. I saw Matty inspecting my flat in my peripheral vision, he reached to pick up some crystals I kept on my shelf.

"Don't touch those, I'll have to cleanse them again." I threw the bedding onto the sofa, pulling soft cotton pillowcases onto the pillows. He only looked at me bemused and came to help me make the bed. "Do you want a cup of tea or anything?"

"No, I'm alright thanks."

"The bathroom is down there on the left, I'll go use it quickly then it's all yours."

I carried out my night routine as usual, even though it would technically be considered morning now. I opened my bedroom door,

"If you need anything come get me, Goodnight." I called to Matty before stepping into my room. I'd slipped into a white silk nightdress, the cool of my bedsheets against my skin as I got into bed felt like a cold swimming pool on a hot summer's day. I'd started to drift off to sleep already, my head still pounded from the alcohol and I could hear my pulse in my ears. Yet over the monotonous pulsating I heard Matty enter the bathroom and close the door behind him. After a few moments of silence, I wasn't sure whether what I heard was my hazy imagination as I drifted off to sleep or reality. Loud sobs seeped through the bathroom walls and into my bedroom.