PSYCHOMACHIA // matty healy

6.

TW: vomiting

The light from my lamp warmed up my living room as I wrote in my leather journal, scribbling down any idea that'd come to me. I liked staying up late and writing music while the world was asleep, the tranquility helped me focus. The ice cubes in my Jack and coke clinked as I sipped it, colliding almost to the beat of the Nancy Sinatra that played in the background. I hummed along to "As Tears Go By", tossing my hair over my shoulders where my curls landed and bounced off my back to get it out of my way. The humidity made my coils tighten and shrink, but my hair loved the moisture compared to the dryness of the colder seasons. I thought I heard my door buzz, but I shook my head and put it down to the music until it buzzed again. I let out an exasperated sigh as I got up from my old, wooden desk and crept to the buzzer before holding down the button to speak.

"Who is it?" I said in a deep, disguised voice and I heard drunken giggling transfer back to me.

"Estherrr, It's me! Let me in." A familiar voice slurred,

"Matty, for Christ's sake, what are you doing here? it's fucking two in the morning."

"I wanted to see my friend, is that so bad?" He giggled again and I started to wonder if even if I did let him in if he'd even make it up the stairs.

"One moment, don't go anywhere I'm coming to get you." I padded down the stairs barefoot, not wanting to leave him on his own any longer by looking for some shoes. I saw him sitting on the stone step at the door and opened it to let him inside, he crawled on the floor before standing and stumbling in and I wrapped his arm around my shoulder.

"You're tall." He slurred again loudly and I shushed him, not wanting any noise complaints from my neighbours. Although now that he brought it up, I was quite tall especially next to him. "And your hair smells nice," he inhaled deeply and smelled my hair,

"Uh, thanks. I used a hair mask." I replied as I readjusted his arm around me.

"What's that?"

"How've you got in this state?" I asked in a hushed tone, changing the subject. This time he was the one shushing me,

"Aren't you happy to see me?" He scowled at me,

"Of course," I huffed, "Just not like this."

I dragged him into my apartment and he slumped against the wall, once I shut the door behind me I grabbed his face in my hand and opened his eyelids wide to see if his pupils were dilated. I feared he might start using again, I wouldn't have blamed him but I felt a sort of moral obligation to keep him out of abusing substances.

"I'm not high, only drunk." I couldn't tell if he was laughing at himself or me, either way I was at a loss for how to deal with him. His face was puffy and red, I was curious as to whether he'd been crying. It quickly turned pale and that was when he started to retch, I tried my best to haul him to the bathroom in time but he let out a heaving sound when we reached the corridor and vomited on himself and the floor. I tugged at him for the last few metres and he scuttled into the bathroom, he arched himself over the toilet before discarding the rest of his stomach contents as I pulled his curls out of his eyes and rubbed his back, crouched on the floor next to him. When the vomiting subsided I told him to stay where he was while I went and quickly mopped up the corridor. I found an oversized shirt of mine in my drawers that I decided I'd give to him to change into, I also rummaged around my medicine cupboard for anti-sickness tablets. When I stepped back into the bathroom, he was curled up on the floor with his eyes shut. I nudged him gently,

"Come on, let's get you cleaned up and into bed." I wet a flannel and wiped the sides of his mouth with it like a mother cleaning up her messy child. He gave one last expulsion, all that was left now was a yellowish bile. I cleaned him up again and filled a glass with chilled water and passed it to him, he swilled the water around his mouth before spitting it into the toilet. I held out my hand to help him sit up; he clung onto me as we stood up together and I guided him to my bedroom, I hadn't time to set up the pull-out bed so I decided he could have my room and I'd set up the pull-out for myself. He clambered onto the bed and I passed him the t-shirt, placing the water on my nightstand. While he got changed I quickly grabbed a bowl from the kitchen and set it down next to the water. "Here, if you can't make it to the bathroom in time." He rested his head against the pillow and took in a deep breath, he was in an almost cadaverous state with his pale skin and sunken cheeks. I wondered if he'd been eating enough, I brushed a stray curl from his forehead which was burning hot and dampened with beads of sweat.

"I'm sorry,"

"It's okay, you'll be alright." I flashed him a sympathetic smile as I walked back to the door.

"Like what you see?" He smirked sarcastically, even in this state he tried to be humorous.

"Very attractive," I rolled my eyes, "If you need me at all just come get me."

"Esther," his voice called just as I turned to walk out.

"Hmm?"

"Don't leave me alone."

"I'll be just down the hall, don't worry."

"Please?"

I stared at the disheveled shell of a man that lay in my bed, contemplating my choices.

"Alright, but I'll just be one moment so I can get changed." I left the room to change into some pyjamas and turn the lights and music off in the rest of the apartment. The ice cubes in my whiskey had melted and I poured the remnants down the sink - it did feel a bit of a shame to waste nice bourbon. I then crept into the bathroom and picked up my toothbrush that rested on my porcelain basin and scrubbed the liquor off my breath before sidling back into my bedroom. I realised I'd left the anti-sickness tablets on the night stand, so I picked up the purple box and offered them to Matty.

"Want one?"

"Thanks," he took the box from me and popped out a tablet before placing it on his gums. I slipped into the sheets next him, awkwardly trying to maintain a distance as I kept my body on the side of the bed.

"Please stop doing this." I glanced over at him, he rubbed his eyes and there was a short silence.

"I don't know how."

"We're all worried about you," I shifted myself onto my side to look at him better, "you need to take care of yourself." We were so close I could hear every breath he took, and I watched as the covers moved with the rise and fall of his chest. He looked fatigued from life, his eyelids fluttered as if he could fall asleep at any moment.

"I've just lost four years of my life, I see no reason for me to change my lifestyle if I've lost everything. It's not going to make everything perfect again."

"That's not the point, you can't just turn self-destructive when things go wrong. You're not gonna feel any better just suppressing this with alcohol or spliff. You have George, Adam, Ross and me who all just want to help you get on your feet again."

"I want a distraction,"

"Then let's make it a healthy one. Let's do something together tomorrow, to take your mind of things."

He nodded, "okay." He replied meekly, a tear rolled down his cheek which he attempted to wipe away quick enough for me not to notice.

"If it's any consolation, I've been where you are right now. Once I called off my engagement all I wanted to do was shut myself away from everyone and everything, I was so distraught that I needed to escape." I'd withdrawn from everyone once I called off my engagement with Aaron, I drank heavily and if I wasn't drunk I'd spend my night getting so high I wouldn't remember where I was. To feel is to be vulnerable around not just other people but yourself, and I despised my emotions being unguarded. However drinking and smoking didn't rid me of these problems, they just resurfaced at a later date when I stopped doing both. Frida took me in and cared for me, I stayed with her while I got back on my feet. It felt like she'd swooped in and caressed my cheek whilst whispering in my ear "Let's put all this to rest, it'll all be okay." And held me while I wept a sea of tears.

"My biggest regret is not being friends with you sooner, I wasted so much time."

"Oh don't be ridiculous, I was the one that was being a maungy bugger. I have to say I never liked you in the beginning, but I've grown to really quite like you, you're not a bad old stick." I teased and his dry lips cracked into a smile.

"Don't flatter me, I'm blushing." He jeered back, I was pleased to see his mood lift slightly before the night ended. The sound of my own pulse seemed to thrum against my eardrums as I felt my own eyelids get heavy,

"Well I'm off to sleep now," I yawned, "Goodnight." I smiled at him and he smiled back,

"Goodnight." He hummed as I turned over, facing away from him and allowing my eyelids to droop, drifting off into a deep sleep.