Repeat After Me

Chapter 18

The problem with lying is once you start, it's hard to stop. Asten texted me the next day, 'I need to see you, can you get out?'

I told mum I was going for a walk at St Kilda Beach with Libby from school.

'How long will you be?'

'Two hours,' I said.

'Okay. But make sure you do your school work after that.'

I felt uncomfortable about lying, especially after my parents had actually been quite light on me, considering what I'd done. I was actually amazed that they hadn't come down harder on me. Getting in trouble in the middle of a global crisis seemed to be better than getting into trouble at any other time. The world had shifted and people felt like they had less control over anything now. Even my parents realised they had less control.

I met Asten at St Kilda Beach. He was wearing black cargo pants, trainers and an oversized red hoodie. He smiled charmingly when I arrived.

'I had to see you,' he said, reaching for my hands. 'I've been thinking non stop about you since we parted. It's like you're this plague in my mind. I just wanted to ... I don't know, check in and see if you ... dunno ... it's like I keep imagining how it would be to be with you.' I loved his sugarcube awkwardness, the way he was seeking reassurance from me.

'I really like you, too. But I don't want it to be complicated.' I could feel that misfit feeling again in my chest. 'The girlfriend situation makes me uncomfortable. I just want something easy and straightforward. I'm not saying you have to break up with her for me, you should only do that for yourself. But you have to work out what you want. I don't want anything messy.'

'That's what I needed to check. Like could we be a thing?'

Out of nowhere I felt emotionally exhausted, the drama with my parents and now this, life was going off track, growing up meant careful navigating and I couldn't read an analogue map. I didn't want to be pushed into committing to anything. I'd only just met this guy, the country was in lockdown, I didn't even know when I'd sit in a classroom again, everything felt uncertain. I didn't feel like I could commit to anything. Not even next Tuesday.

'My parents found out about my spraypainting. They're really mad,' I said, changing the topic.

'Shit,' he said.

'Yeah. They've made me promise I'll stop doing street art.'

'But what about the Abandoned Spaces show?'

'Well, it's not street art, really, is it? It's more like an exhibition,' I said.

'Exactly. It's an exhibition. You still have to do it.'

'I'm going to try,' I said. The beach was officially closed, but there were people walking along the path.

'We better start walking,' I said. 'We can't be seen to be loitering. Exercise only, hey?'

We began walking northwards. Asten seemed quieter than usual. I was sorry I hadn't been able to answer his question, but these were questions he had to answer himself. I didn't even want to know about his girlfriend, who she was, how long they'd been together, it hurt me to even think about her. If she had feelings for Asten the way I had feelings for him then it would hurt her so much to not be with him. It was like her pain was becoming my pain. I felt sorry for her and sorry for me and sorry that I'd found someone who I really liked who came with a high degree of difficulty.

'I just don't know what to do,' Asten said, playing with the rope of his hoodie. 'You and I are such a good match. I'd never expected I'd meet someone like you. I'm not good at expressing how I feel. I just can't stop imagining.'

I shrugged my shoulders, wondering if a normal girl would insist that he break up with his girlfriend. I didn't want to break anyone up. I'd had no experience with any of this. I'd never had a boyfriend before. I'd kissed a few guys at gigs, but I'd hardly exchanged a phone number. I was sixteen and more into drawing in my sketchbook than being drawn into a love affair.

'I don't know what to say,' I admitted.

'Say you'll be with me,' he said.

'Okay, I'll be with you.' He smiled, like optimism was a casual breath. He placed his hand on my hip and we kissed slowly, reassigning our lips as translators of feelings.