The end is upon us and by us i mean me
"So You are telling me you are pregnant no no, scratch that you've been pregnant for six months"
I swallowed "yes mom, i was in a really bad place but i found someone special mom, I'm having his baby. He is ready to take care of us and love us the way we deserve"
"Oh thank God honey, i thought i was going to have to un-invite you this year, now we don't want you embarrassing our family but it's so great that you have someone"
I want to break something, anything, blame it on my hormones, i gritted my teeth "sure mom, oh and more good news as soon as the baby is born we are getting married"
She gasped "that's good news sweetie i mean I'm sure this man doesn't measure up to Benjamin's standards seeing as he proposed already but I'm happy for you"
Ok now i want to slap her "Anything you say mother, i have to go now my plants need watering"
"Alright sweetie, see you soon and don't forget to bring your fiance"
Yup, her bitterness can be heard, seen and tasted. I ended the call with her before she gave me a lecture on what type of foods i should eat.
This is why i didn't want to tell her about me and Benjamin, or the baby, don't get me wrong i love my mother but that woman makes me want to take a one way ticket to hell every time we speak and i couldn't badge in on the family with an enormous baby bump and a heavily tattooed fiance
My mother will disown me and kick me out of her house there and then so I had to call and inform her so she can digest and spit it out to people in the way she wants to.
Knowing her she will say the baby is Kaleb's and that Benjamin and I broke up a long time ago, she's in for a surprise when she meets Kaleb, the woman is going to faint. Dramatics and all
I picked up my phone again and called my best friend because I really needed to vent
"Hey bab---"
"The actually fuc-freaking nerve of that woman i called her to tell her I'm pregnant and engaged and all she says are some really stupid shiz about me and my fiance and baby if she wasn't my mother i would have poured hot oil all over her ass and shoved acid down her throat, I HATE HERRRRRRRR" i start panting after cutting in rudely to say my piece
"First of all, congratulations on controlling your swearing around your unborn baby, you can do better and secondly your mother is a woman whose head wasn't screwed on right, i swear that woman is satan's mistress, so don't listen to what she says, she's old and will die soon"
I chuckled "why do you always say that you know she hates hearing that"
"Well i say em like i see em"
"Thank You for letting me waste your time"
"Sweetie, those were the best three minutes of my life, so I'm glad you wasted them and if you feel like cursing out your hard headed devil fucking mother, sorry not sorry, I'm here for you"
I laugh finally feeling a bit light " I love you, i mean it"
"Ditto" and she ends the call
As i begin to pack for the holiday of doom , i can't help but feel like it's my last, yes my mother can make you feel like you are going to meet the devil one on one, maybe she is truly Satan's mistress.
When I'm halfway done my phone rings, it was my sister, damn my mom works fast
"Hello"
"I heard you were pregnant, wow congratulations, i thought we were sisters, I'm supposed to know before mom. Do You have any idea how embarrassed i was when Medusa aka our mother told me, she didn't laugh Amber, she cackled, she fucking cackled like a damn Disney witch, because she finally got one up on me do you know how frustrating and annoying that is"
"I'm so sorry for fu-messing up jojo, i made a mistake and I'm sorry, i was just scared that you wouldn't understand because you all seemed to adore Ben"
She scoffed " I didn't adore him, i tolerated him because he made you happy, and good job not swearing around your unborn baby you can do better"
I laughed "that's exactly what Anna said"
"You know i still have a crush on her right, why aren't you giving me her number?"
"Because the two of you together is the end of my existence"
"That's true, anyway i need the details now and we have to make you look good so i need to know everything don't leave anything out"
So i did, i told her everything without leaving a single thing out.
"Wow, what a dick and hold up did you say your fiance has tattoos all over, oh man this will be comedy gold, mom is going to throw a tantrum or faint, my money is on both"
"You are probably right, we may need to have an ambulance on stand by, so you are not mad and you'll help me?"
"Please, i haven't had this much drama in my life since Caroline dumped me or more like ran away from our crazy mother and if my getting revenge is through you and your fake fiance then hell yes I'm in"
"So what do you suggest?"
"Take tons of pictures, since you guys already know the basic things about each other, you'll learn more with time, the pictures are just to add to mom's burns"
"Sure i will, thank you Jojo i really appreciate this"
"We are sisters asshole, you would do the same for me and besides i love me a good drama , oh shit, gotta go mom just pulled up in the driveway. I will see you soon yeah, ok bye love you"
"Bye"
Forget not cursing, let's fuck shit up this holiday, mom isn't going to know what hit her. God I'm becoming crazy
And I like it.
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Fiance for hire
Romance"Let me get this straight, You want me to act as your fiance for five weeks at your parents" I sighed "yes, yes i do" "And You also want me to act as the baby's father" I was clearly uncomfortable at that moment "that will be correct" "Well then cal...
