(#2) 𝕆𝕓𝕝𝕚𝕧𝕚𝕠𝕟.

Chapter 4 - Pretence.

~Kamsi~

*

See, I'm not the kind to pretend. I hate hiding behind a shield of pretence, just so everyone'Id think everything's alright. But it seems like the entire world is just hiding under that same shield of pretence. Everyone's trying to become who they're not. They're trying too much, too hard, and it sucks. Why not be you? Why do we always seem to want to become someone we're not? Why act like everything's okay when you're literally dying on the inside? Why pretend to be happy, yet, shed tears when no one's looking? Why even bother at all? I'd never know the answers to these questions.

*

When Kambili and I got home from school, everywhere was — as usual — very quiet. It almost felt like no one even lived in this house, which shouldn't have been so. However, I'd made up my mind to ditch everyone and just lock myself up in my room, but my so-called father had other plans to ruin the rest of my day.

Christian and the rest of his family would be coming over for dinner.

And if that wasn't enough, then the fact that he sort of insisted that I must be present ruined every slight chance of me being able to tolerate it. That was when I snapped.

There he was, acting like everything was okay. There he was, acting like the past weeks haven't brought enough drama, and like we haven't been through enough sh*t already. For f*ck's sake! Couldn't he frickin give me, or probably everyone in this house, a goddamn break?! He was busy acting like someone wasn't fighting for her life in a hospital, and he was acting like her supposed mother hadn't come here a few days ago, screaming at the top of her lungs. He was simply acting chill about it all, making it seem like all these hadn't just happened. He was acting like I didn't hate him as I much as I did — and still do — and like we were on good terms. Acting like he didn't just lose a wife nearly a month ago.

I scoffed.

And all these had to do with him. Every. Single. One. Of. It! It all had him splattered on the pages of this unclear image I was trying, all-so-desperately, to see perfectly without having to squint. But no, he chose to invite Christian's family over for dinner, like it were the old times and we were all on good terms with each other. Well f*ck that sh*t! F*ck it! F*ck all of it! And lest I'd forget, f*ck him too!

It was sickening.

He simply wanted to dine like we were a complete family, when we were clearly falling apart. Breaking off and getting separated from whatever must've held us for this long. Yet, he wasn't in the least concerned. Instead, sitting over chicken and wine, or some sort of gourmet dinner, would be the best remedy to our dying bond, huh?

Ain't that soothing enough.

"I am not going to sit and eat with people who I don't want to. You can't force me either, and no one can. If you want to pretend like everything's okay, and like we're cool again and back to old times, then go ahead. But not me. Count me out." That was all I said, as I made my way to my room. Kambili, however, simply stared at me while I walked away. Even so, I didn't let that deter my decision to not participate in this suffocating act of toxicity. I wouldn't be part of it. I wouldn't lie to myself, just so I could please others. I wouldn't create what was never even there in the first place.

If anything,  I wanted my family to heal in the proper way it should. And whatever this was, that my stupid father chose to pull off, would never be the medicine for all our pain. If he wanted to re-patch what had been lost in our home, then he'd certainly have to do more than creating a hypocritical dinner. All for the sake of making an impression. Just so he'd paint the image of 'recovering from the sadness' in the eyes of Christian and his family. That was utterly disgusting.