Love, War & Tears (AvaLance)

Chapter 11 - I Don't Deserve You

Ava walked through to the kitchen, she had seen Sara and Nyssa head that way and she needed to speak to Sara, she had to know if Sara still had any feelings for her before she left Star City. She couldn't see where they had gone until she started to turn to head back to the OPS Room. She caught a glimpse of something out in the garden and as she honed in on what was out there, she saw Sara and Nyssa caught in a kiss. Ava stood frozen unable to look away, hoping Sara would pull away, hoping it was just a mistake. There was no pulling back, Sara was in the kiss as much as Nyssa was. Ava felt her world crashing in on her, how could she have let someone like Sara in. "Damn you Lance," Ava muttered under her breath. Why did she think she would be different to any of the other women Sara had left in her wake? The anger boiling inside of Ava, she couldn't breathe, she turned on her heel and rushed outside, she needed air, she wanted to collapse into a heap.

Sara caught the movement of Ava walking out as her and Nyssa came out of the kiss. Her face now red as a tomato for feeling like she had been caught out. She ran to catch up with Ava to try and explain her feelings, the situation with Nyssa. Ava stood at her car fumbling with the car keys when Sara rushed out, she called out to Ava, "Ava, wait please. I'm sorry, I didn't mean for that to happen, that wasn't how I expected it to go." Ava was angry, she wanted to lash out, "Really Sara and how did you expect it to go with Nyssa?" "You have every right to be angry at me, I'm angry at myself for putting you in the middle of this, I know I've hurt you and it's the last thing I would ever want to do to you. Ava, I don't know what I feel anymore, I know I still feel something for Nyssa, I'm just not sure what those feelings are."

Ava struggled to control her anger, she had completely fallen for Sara and she didn't know how to get through to the shorter blonde. She took a deep breath and held Sara's shoulders, "Sara, I know we started something special, something that's worth fighting for, I know deep down you feel it to. If Nyssa truly cared about you, loved you, why didn't she come back to you, why would she let you live with her death." Ava had hoped those words would cause Sara to question Nyssa's motives, the way Ava questioned them right from when Sara brought her to the Base. "She had family business to take care of." "That sounds like a cop out, she let you deal with the grief of losing her, in all these years she could have reached out to you." Sara was struggling in this argument, knowing that she felt more for Ava than she was prepared to admit. She needed an out from this exchange with Ava, it was clear how much she was hurting her, how much that was hurting herself seeing Ava's heartache. "Ava you are a wonderful person and I don't deserve you." "Yes Sara, yes you do." "No Ava, I don't, you deserve someone much better than me. I care about you but I can't do this." "Sara you know we started something good, we can get through this together." "Ava, I need to clear my head, I can't do this. I'm sorry Ava I can't." "Sara." Sara walked away, she couldn't bear to see the heartbreak in Ava's eyes, the heartbreak she was causing.

The tall blonde wiped back the tears that had burst uncontrollably from her eyes as she watched Sara walk away. She stared at the keys in her hand for a moment before opening the door to her Subaru and sat in her car. She gripped the steering wheel with both hands dropping her head against them and let the tears fall. Ava eventually composed herself enough to drive back to the Bureau to pick up what stuff she had there and commenced the 4-hour drive back to DC. When she made it home, Ava had hoped that she would find comfort in being back in her own place, in her own surroundings. Tired and spent from the long drive, Ava went straight upstairs collapsing on her bedroom floor, crying into the soft carpet threads as she fell asleep.

Sara took a moment to get herself together before going back inside to face Nyssa, hearing Ava sobbing as she walked away broke Sara's heart. She wanted to believe Ava would be better off without her. She walked inside and noticed Nyssa was sitting at the bar with a drink, she motioned to Sara if she wanted one. Sara nodded a yes and sat on the stool next to her. "Everything ok with Blondie?" "Ava will be ok." At least that's what Sara told herself as she gulped down her drink. Nyssa pulled Sara into her rushing a kiss with Sara who had no energy to hold back. She told Nyssa to make herself at home and she could stay in the second bedroom. Sara was tired, she was going to bed and they would talk in the morning. Sara went upstairs to her ensuite, stripped off and stepped into the shower. She sat cross legged on the tiled shower floor as the hot streams of water ran down her body. The tears breaking loose as she thought about Ava, wishing that the hot water would wash away the pain she had caused.