Fireflies

28

"You're here," I said with an expectant smile.

He snorted. "Of course I am, who would have thought that you'll be here at this hour too?"

"I didn't know you'd be here as well but I just felt like I had to. To witness the glint of the fireflies again. It's been quite a long time because I was too caught up living my life forgetting how I felt in this place."

"I kind of get you. The fireflies always reminded me of hope and glint in the oddest places. It reminds me of fairies," he chided stepping closer in the dim light.

"Of fairies?"

He grinned as we exchanged looks. "What's so wrong about fairies?"

"Well fairies aren't real," I stated with such a factual tone that I had to keep myself from laughing.

"So what? Fairies and mermaids, monsters, under the bed? People say they're all not real. But they exist in our minds, don't they?"

"I guess so," I nodded in confusion.

He furrowed his brows and settled next to me, the creaking of the wooden chair circling the open space. The whistling sound of the hanging wisteria leaves was nice to hear but it was even more amusing to talk about nonsense with a person I once thought I would never talk to.

"They do, but they stay there because they're not real," I said slowly, unsure of what I was saying.

He crossed his arms together at me and put down the camera. "Who says they're not?"

"Me and everybody else," I replied in an obvious tone.

"Aren't you the girl who believed in miracles? What's so different with the fairies and everything else?"

"Chill out, Jaemin. It's just that I've never really seen them before."

"Right? So you agree? They might exist, you just never saw one."

I closed the poetry book and shifted my body towards him. "Why are we arguing about this anyway?"

"Because you've been sighing all day. Do you doubt yourself? Do you honestly think, after everything that has been unveiled to you, some things are not possible?" he asked, a brooding truth found in his words.

That made me pause for a while. I booked a ticket actually and I was set to leave in a few days. My mom finally let me go, with her of course, and Angie had been very wary about it just like everyone else, and yet she hesitantly supported me. There was something about the way she wished to hold me back. 

It was Jaemin who had been certain that I was doing what was good for me.

"Why did we shift so quickly to me? We were just talking about fireflies and fairies."

He shook his head and leaned on the trunk of the tree, closing his eyes for a bit and then lifting his head up again.

"The fireflies are so pretty and I know you know that, so are fairies. Mermaids are the mystery of the ocean and yet they hold so much significance on those who believe in them. Just like monsters."

Jaemin shuffled his feet upon sitting and then went on. "Whatever we believe in, we should never let the demons take over us. Some people say we have to be crazy about something to survive, don't you think it's better to believe in something in the first place? To live?"

I scratched my head. "What are you even trying to say?"

"You believed in the dreams that visited you, you believed the words that struck you, and you believe that everything has a reason."

"Do you believe it too?" I asked him.

"I wouldn't be here if not for the reason that I either had to get to know a new part of life or introduce that part of life to somebody else. I believe in the connection that we all have as people. I believe in fairies and monsters even if you see me as childish and crazy."

"But fairies and monsters are not the same," I muttered.

"Of course they're not. They are different. They manifest and exist in different ways. But they all exist to make something out of us, don't you think? A kid who believes in a tooth fairy would go to sleep every night with a calm mind knowing someone is watching over her. But so does the child who looks forward to Christmas presents from Santa himself," he added in the midst of the deepening night. "Monsters do the same. One who lets the dark get into them acts according to how they face the monsters lurking all around. Monsters do not conform to one thing, they're all kinds of fear and horror to various people."

"It's all just a matter of what you believe in, whether you let it get to you too much or not. Whether you let it overwhelm your heart or you let it guide you to clarity."

He attempted to touch one firefly but failed and so he stopped, humming a song I was not familiar with.

"Why are you telling me all this?" I asked him, pondering hard about what we just discussed.

"Was I of any help to your doubt?"

"What doubt?" I said in denial, but I knew deep down that he was right.

"The hesitation whether to go to Canada or not."

I paused in surprise but then who cares? I would never have imagined Jaemin and I would get along so well after all that has happened to me. I never even thought he'd have the interest to get along with a weird girl like me who was always staring through pages of a mushy notebook full of scribbles.

"You're right," I said in defeat, there was no need to pretend I got everything figured out.

As I looked at him, something flashed in his eyes. "How did it start? All this? The guy in Canada, the poetry book?"

"Didn't Angie tell you?"

He shook his head, waiting for me to spill. And so I did tell him about how it started. From the very moment, I found myself sitting here until the last moment I could remember with Mark.

"I'm so glad I met you, Jaemin."

He chuckled. "Me too, Claire."

In between laughs, he offered his hand for me to shake and so I took the gesture and received his hand. For the first time, ever since Angie, I had someone else to count on to.

"But I have one more question," he trailed off.

"What is it?"

"What led you to have those monsters in the first place? The nightmares? The fear? The trauma?"

Was I prepared to tell him? I promised myself that the first one I'd talk to was the one who had my heart. I promised myself that I would reveal the secrets and events of those dreadful weeks to the one I feel safest with.

Was it Jaemin? Or was it Mark?