𝐇𝐘𝐌𝐍 𝐎𝐅 𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐇

𝐄𝐏𝐈𝐒𝐎𝐃𝐄 𝟏 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄 #𝟏

𝐓𝐖: 𝐌𝐈𝐋𝐃 𝐒𝐔𝐆𝐆𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐒𝐔𝐈𝐂𝐈𝐃𝐄
𝐋𝐎𝐂𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍: 𝐃𝐇𝐀𝐊𝐀, 𝐁𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐋𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐒𝐇

This is me writing about my "happy" life. I have no one to talk to and this notebook is where I vent my pent-up disappointment.
Every time I try to be happy something pulls me down and the process repeats itself. It has been like this for one year, living in a toxic environment with no hope of progress or escape.

Sometimes it feels like I was better ignorant, to the happiness because at least the aftermath wouldn't be pain and misery, at least I wouldn't have to be afraid of getting hurt by my loved ones. I have acted unknown towards all the toxic ness but it hurts, it hurts so much, each time more than the last.

The scariest part is I don't know how much longer before it becomes unbearable. Why am I hated on for being who I am and how I am. Please leave me alone before I do something I might regret.
I am sorry for being myself. I truly am. I am sorry for being a bad friend, a bad sister, a bad daughter, and most importantly, a bad human being. I am sorry for not following in your footsteps. I am sorry for not being a copycat. I am sorry for breathing.

But this shield of being cold-hearted that I carry helps me cope with your hatred for me, your unwanted opinions about me. I hope one day you truly understand me and love me for how I am. I don't know how much longer I can live like this. Sometimes I wonder that will Allah put me in hell, for all the sins I have done, or has He already?

****

This is a raw note that I wrote when I was in a very dark place years ago. I thought I would share it with you guys to add some personalization to my book. This marks the beginning of the character development of not only my characters but as well as me, as a human being.

I posted it here not to gain sympathy but for myself, to remind myself how far I have come from and how strongly I truly am. This will be my reminder to move forward in life; no matter what.

Remember you are not alone. I thought I was but here I am, still alone, but more satisfied and happy with the people I am blessed to have.

P.S Sometimes I want to go back in time, and hug myself and say "You are doing great.".

*free hugs for everyone*

𝐒𝐔𝐈𝐂𝐈𝐃𝐄 𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 𝐋𝐈𝐅𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐄: 𝟖𝟎𝟎-𝟐𝟕𝟑-𝟖𝟐𝟓𝟓