Ellipses

Chapter 7

The new year!! I'm still trying to understand why people make such a fuss about it.
I like it though. Everyone is enthusiastic for the first week of the new year. People have resolutions and goals and new things to celebrate. Some are a little kinder and friendlier,but once the first week passes everything is back to normal.
You realise just how much your life sucks and that talking to humans is a futile exercise.

"It's not that I'm anti social, I mean I do talk to you"
"Hloni you talk to me because everyone else is scared of talking to you. For the love of God- you say you wish humans were blind" she closes her eyes for emphasis "who even..who even thinks of stuff like  that"
Honestly I don't know what Lebo's talking about. She's been on my case the entire morning about my 'anti social' behaviour. It's not that I'm anti social, I just don't like humans and that's the end of it. They just make me nervous and small talk sucks the life out of me.

The first week of school is always the hardest. You're still trying to get over summer break and sleeping all day and unhealthy eating habits and everything one does when they're not at school. But I'm glad to be back at school. Not for the work , no, but because eleventh grade means one more year till I'm out of this hell hole. No one warned me about the brutality of high school!!!

We have new learners in our class which sucks for me because I'm barely comfortable around the ones I've been with since eighth grade. Oh and Thato's here too. We haven't spoken since- I don't even remember when and I'm okay with it.

Really. I am.

I still look at him more than I should during lessons. It's not that I still like him- it's just a habit.

The rest of the day goes on without any hurdles. We move from lesson to lesson and stay longer than we should in the Life Sciences lesson because it's that great. We spend lunch making light conversations about things that don't even matter and laugh way too much until Mpho chokes on her cheese sandwich and curses us for it.

"How long till English ends?," Mpho asks leaning towards me with her chair.
"Exactly forty-five minutes thirty-eight seconds. Thirty seven. Thirty six. Thirty-"
"Ok ok I get the idea" she says and I giggle.
"Where're you rushing off too anyway?," I ask.
"Not your business" she says proudly and moves away from me. Ok.

Forty-five minutes later the bell rings and we're free to go home. Lebo has an extra arts class and Mpho, who knows where that one disappeared to.
I'm almost at the school gate when I hear someone call my name. It's Thato. He seems to be rushing towards me. He gives that perfect smile. His lips haven't changed and even when I don't like him that much- I still look at them and wish to press mine against his. He's taller than last year and he's gained a few muscles. I forgot how beautiful he was. His lips-they seem to be moving, but I can't register anything he's saying.

And then it hits me.
I don't like him. I never have.
This. This is purely lust.

I'm snapped back to reality when he touches me and every inch of my body burns. I have to kiss him.
No I don't.

"Hloni" he says and looks at me with confusion. I'm thankful that he's no mind reader.
"I was saying I'd like us to be friends. Real friends. As in hang-out-when-we-can kind of friends. Like you and Lebo. Well not that exactly. But something like that"
He's nervous. Ha! He's nervous and I'm not. This feels good.
"Uhm sure. I'll see you around then?" I say. I don't know where this sudden urge to be away from him is coming from.
He looks at me. With..disappointent? I wasn't rude was I?
" Ok yeah. See you around" he says and turns to walk away.
I don't like what I just discovered. I know he's beautiful but I don't like the fact that I can't seem to stop thinking about kissing him.
I'm just confused that's it. I'll be okay tomorrow.