Criminal Minds Imagines

Lies and fights - [Spencer Reid]

TW// Mentions of Abuse and Panic Attacks

What on earth happened? I didn't have a clue how it came this far. How we stood here, yelling to each other.

Angry tears were threatening to fall out of my eyes, but I tried my best to hold them in. I couldn't let him see my weakness.

People always take advantage of your weaknesses. The same way Max did... The same way my father did. How could violence always find me? I hated what it brought up in people.

The look they got in their eyes, the tension visible in their muscles, their facial expressions and the increased volume of their voice.

When the man I call the love of my life displayed these symptoms of anger, I wanted to fade way. He reminded me so much of what happened when I was younger.

All the times my dad used to beat me, and my mom used to ignore it. How I fled from home as soon as I turned 18 and met my first boyfriend who didn't exactly change my mind about how all men are violent.

I know that I generalized the entire male population to a life sentence of violence and when I met Spence, I learned it wasn't true. However, could you blame me? Until I was 21, all men in my direct surroundings were only hurting me. Both physically and emotionally.

Spence didn't know of my past. I know he would want me to tell him, but I don't want him to judge me. I don't want him to see me as the abused girl. I want him to see me as the strong woman my façade shows him.

However, now I'm scared of him. Spences' face morphs into those of the men I always just wanted to forget.

"How could you do this to me Y/N?! How could you betray me like that?". I opened my mouth to explain to him, but he immediately cut me off: "I gave you my everything and this is how you repay me?"

He stepped closer. For a profiler, I was surprised he didn't see the step I took backwards. Or he did, but just didn't care at this point.

A few moments ago, I got a message on my phone which he saw. It was Max asking me when I would come over. Spencer assumed that I was cheating on him.

The fact that he would even think that, already hurt me enough, but that he wouldn't let me explain caused another wave of emotional pain to shoot through my body and mind.

However, even if he asked, what would I tell him? I couldn't exactly be like "Yeah, my first abusive ex-boyfriend found me again after I changed my phone number and name and he wants to meet up, care to join?"

I was scared enough when I saw the message and felt the flashbacks and the anxiety coming back at me. Him strangling me. Beating me up. And I can't exactly say Spencer's reaction contributed to a fast stabilisation of my mental state.

I had two options: Be vulnerable and confess what happened and what I hid from him for the past 2.5 years of our relationship. Or I could fire back painful words.

I choose the latter.

"So, that's it then? Because I'm not staying with a lying and cheating wh*re like you Y/N. I hope you know that."

"Well, I am seriously doubting if I want to stay with a d*ck that doesn't even bother to let me explain, Reid."

I never used his surname and I saw his eyes widen for a second. But he recovered quickly. His eyes narrowed and he stepped closer leading me to back away into the wall.

The feeling of not being able to back away anymore asphyxiated me. I felt my lungs constricting, but I couldn't let him see.

A calm Spencer would already have seen or sensed my emotional state, but the Spencer in front of me was far away from calm.

"Jesus Christ Y/N. I can't believe I ever loved you. I can't believe you are loved by anyone; you don't deserve it. I will make sure everyone knows who you really are. That they see your traitorous character. I strongly suggest you f*ck off."

I really didn't know him like this, and I couldn't hold it in anymore. I let the tears fall. I didn't care anymore. The man I love with my entire heart and trusted with my life just told me he didn't love me; that I don't deserve it and basically that he would make my life a living hell.

"Oh, don't start trying to get my pity Y/N. And don't pretend you care about me. I noticed you only give a sh*t about yourself."

But I barely heard him. I turned into myself and distanced myself from reality as I always did when I was younger. It was my own personal defence mechanism.

I saw movement in my peripheral vision and backed further away in the wall while raising my hand to shield my head from any harm.

Spencer noticed my extremely distressed state now and tried to come closer. But I fell sidewards and lied in a foetal position on the ground. I started screaming at him not to touch me; not to hurt me. To just leave. That I couldn't handle it anymore.

He backed off and, in the background, I heard him talking to someone. Most likely over the phone as I couldn't really hear someone answering.

"Y/N... Please look at me sweetheart. I'm sorry. I should have let you explain. I didn't want you to feel like this."

I kept my eyes down, not wanting to see him and remembered why I never wanted to show my weaknesses. He sees me as some kind of precious china now. As someone that could break at any point. However, I couldn't really say he was wrong at this point.

He reached out for me, but I let out a loud cry of distress and he stepped back again. I saw the doubt in his eyes. The conflicting desires to respect my wishes of physical distance and his own to comfort me.

Then, after what could have been seconds, minutes or hours, there was a new voice: "Reid, give her some space man". I quickly identified him as Morgan but didn't have the energy to look up.

I kept crying hysterically and hyperventilating. I knew I had to calm down, but simply couldn't. First Max found me again. And by asking to meet up he surely didn't mean to have a coffee as friends. Then Spencer completely turned on me. I couldn't do this.

Part II will be coming soon