Criminal Minds Imagines

Lies and fights Pt. IV - [Spencer Reid]

TW// Mentions of Abuse and Panic Attacks

The rest of the team left the room to research everything they had on Max. In the meantime, I sat on the couch close to the window with Reid next to me. Even though I wasn't touching him, I could easily feel how tense he was. The entire situation, as well as the fact that he most probably felt useless as he wasn't allowed to help really took its toll.

"I'm sorry Spence", I said silently while bowing my head down in defeat and shame. I felt his eyes on me as he turned his head. "I should have told you something and now you're here, with me, feeling like sh*t. You don't deserve that and if you want to break up or want me to go than I really do understand. I just want you to know that."

When I finally had the courage to look up at him through my eyelashes, he had one eyebrow raised with a small frown plastered on his face. He stayed silent for a short while and just stared at me.

"What on earth are you talking about Y/N?", he said after which he paused for a while. The silence lasted so long that I almost wanted to answer his rhetorical question although I kind of knew he wasn't waiting on an answer. However, before I could even do this he started talking again.

"You probably already know that I strongly disagree with the fact that you didn't tell me anything about this entire thing with this Max guy. However, it is also well known that out of the 3/10 women in the USA that encounter domestic violence, the majority never tells anyone or only tell people after 5 to 1 years after the incidents due to factors such as shame and fear. It kind of hurts that you didn't come to me, but I can also imagine that you didn't... Well as far as I am able to do that as a white male who actually never was in an official romantic relationship with someone before you..."

A part of the weight that was on top of my heart was lifted by his words, but he wasn't finished yet.

"You have been and still are so strong and I want to apologize for my behaviour earlier. I should have known you aren't a person to cheat. I talked out of anger and insecurity and that shouldn't have happened. I called you terrible things out of emotion and if I've learned one thing from my job, I know that acting due to an emotional motive is never a good thing. I am really truly sorry sweetheart. Please accept that from me."

If it was any other guy saying this to me, I probably wouldn't have accepted this. However, I must say that this being Spencer, someone who has never, ever hurt me before I couldn't do anything else than forgive him. Important side note is that I never forget. If there are more of these eruptions in the future, I won't. I won't make the same mistake again as I did with Max by constantly forgiving him, time after time.

"I know Spence, I accept that. I understand the anger and frustration but please don't make it happen again. You really scared me back there. Although you couldn't know that it really took me back to Max. It's just scarier to me than to most other people, I guess."

"It's natural. You know what can – and in your head maybe does – happen when people act out of anger. Was he the first one to abuse you? Because statistically people who were abused once get abused again in the future."

I stayed silent at first, but I couldn't do it again... I couldn't lie to him again, betray him again. But I also couldn't really look him in the eye. So I looked down and let my hair function as a curtain when I felt a tear slip out.

"No", I whispered quietly with a weak voice which broke a bit towards the end of the already very short word. For a moment I doubted whether he heard me but when he breathed out heavily and tightened his arms around me, I guess he did, and I just missed the breath he most likely sucked in when I denied Max being the only one to have ever abused me.

"Who? Because you're 24 years old now and we have been in a relationship since you were 21. Did you have a boyfriend before or after Max?". I shook my head after that.

"You were abused as a child..." I heard Spencer whisper quietly to himself and I felt my own sobs come out louder. A boyfriend hurting you sucks, but your parents... They are the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally... If they hurt you either physically or emotionally, it feels like you can't be loved by anyone.

When I felt Spencer's arms around me, I knew that my reaction confirmed what he said, and I leant further into him. "H-He hi-hit me Spence... And s-she did-didn't do anything. My m-mom just let it happen... W-Why w-would she do t-that?", I asked between sobs. "Tell me Spence, why?! It hurts more than what Max did and I don't know why."

I felt him inhale deeply before he started stroking my hair and talking softly: "Firstly, they were your parents Y/N. The first people you ever encountered. The people that were supposed to teach you what love is. Also, it is possible that when you were in the relationship with Max, you were already somewhat resistant to the abuse and the mental consequences that it felt less intense."

I couldn't really respond. It just hurt. Although I asked him a question, I knew that none of the words he would say could take the feeling of betrayal away. I just cuddled closer into Spencer's side until the door opened and Morgan walked in.

"Reid, Y/N. We are leaving right now to go and arrest Max. We found him as he probably wasn't really expecting his ex to have a relationship with a FBI agent whose team could trace him in a few seconds... I'm telling you, texting from your personal cell phone with track and trace on isn't the best way to send threats. I have to go now but I just wanted to let you know."

I felt Spencer try to get up – probably to protest to him not being able to join – but clutched onto his bicep to keep him from leaving. I didn't want him to leave. Firstly, as I really needed him here for some support. The fact that they went to get Max freaked me out. Secondly, I knew it wouldn't change anything. He might yell at them, but it wouldn't be making a difference; he still wouldn't be able to join.

Fortunately, he stayed with me. Half an hour later, I saw the team getting into the bureau again, but this time Max was struggling between Morgan and JJ while they held him tightly. I tensed upon seeing him and sucked in a breath, when he looked in my direction and an expression of fury clouded his face when we made eye contact.

"You wh*re! You f*cking snitch! How could you. I'll kill you Y/N. Do not underestimate me. You know what I can do!"

Spencer pulled me into his side and away from the window while I breathed heavily and kept my vision trained on the window. However, now I was away from his path of vision and we couldn't see each other anymore.

After the interrogation I heard that Max had done a lot of research to find out where I was, and the evidence was enough to at least sentence him for stalking. Also, the combination of my medical records, existing police records and my statement were enough to prove the abuse.

Although the team gave me the option to see if we could in any way sentence my mom and dad, I decided against that. I didn't have contact with them anymore and would like to leave it like that. I simply wanted to live my life together with Spencer and that is exactly what we did.

A/N Firstly, sorry if the ending was somewhat abrupt. Secondly, the beginning of this chapter was intense. Abuse is a terrible thing and as scary it is, please try your best to seek help. Although I don't have a lot of personal experience with abuse, I did follow some semesters within my study Psychology about child abuse and domestic violence. Some hotlines and information sites:

USA - The National Domestic Violence Hotline

Website: https://www.thehotline.org

Hotline: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)

UK – Refuge

Website: https://www.refuge.org.uk

Hotline: 0808 2000 247

The Netherlands (Seems controversial that this one is in there as well but I'm from Holland) – Veilig Thuis

Website: https://veiligthuis.nl

Hotline: 0800 2000

If you're in acute danger, please always call the emergency number of your country!