Catching Bubbles

Touch

CW: difficulty eating, depression, touch-related trauma

Brushing my teeth is hard. 

It seems silly to say, 
But sometimes I stay up until I'm exhausted, 
Just to have an excuse not to. 
If it's because I'm tired, 
It's easier, 
Instead of me being unable to do something 
So simple. 

Maybe it's because the bathroom feels so far away
And it would be much easier 
To just stay in bed. 
Or maybe it's because the bathroom smells too sterile 
Or because the hallway is too cold. 

But lately 
I've realized it's the taste
Or rather the lingering. 
I have the same problem with food, 
In a way.
On bad days,
All foods feel too "heavy" 
Too much
And the thought of eating makes me sick.
On good days, 
I can eat anything I want, 
But those are rather rare. 
Most days
Some foods are heavy 
And some are light. 
But I never could figure out why some things fell one way 
And others the reverse. 
It's when the taste stays
That I feel sick. 

My brain does that with sand 
Or grease 
Or smells 
Or touch
But those make sense. 

I don't remember when it started. 
I don't remember too much 
To be honest. 
Looking back it feels like a dark hallway
Full of doors. 
Almost all are shut 
Locked tight 
And I worry 
"What is it I'm trying to forget?" 
The things I remember 
Are not terribly happy to begin with 
So what is it that my brain does not want to see? 

I remember loneliness 
And fear. 
Yelling 
And the silence after it stopped. 
I'm told I was a happy child
And that makes me feel sick too 
Because the pictures I'm shown to remind me of the happy times 
Are the ones I remember as the saddest. 

I don't remember much about elementary school 
But in middle school I remember being touched felt 
Like my skin was on fire. 
I would do anything 
To avoid being touched. 
So it seems I now hate 
The type of "touch" you can't avoid 
The tastes 
The smells 
The textures 
That stick around. 

They say that realizing 
Is half the battle
And I hope that's true 

Because I'm tired of fighting.