first easter (first everything)

sisters

all this time i thought i could never ever ever be me.

i had made a beeline to my room when we got home, i couldn't help the crying.

i wasn't exactly, like, simply sad or simply happy, it was a little bit of both, and a lot of grief and... something else way beyond explanation at this point.

i don't know why i'd said what i'd said, and i didn't exactly regret it, but...

anyways, even though i was in tears, as usual i threw off my boy clothes and put on an oversize tee shirt and pajama pants.

girls wear this kinda thing around the house sometimes, i'd tell myself. it made me comfortable.

besides, my shirt was light blue and it had a cat on it, a relic procured for a whole dollar at the thrift store down the street, along with some other items, like the girls swimsuit bottoms i'm almost too embarrassed to mention here, but was also wearing.

i wish i had some pink pajama bottoms, but i settled for the red ones i had from christmas, so i didn't really have the perfect outfit, but the satin was comfortable, and they were unisex, so...

anyways, today this did not seem usual, it seemed like my last day with this shit routine, and it was going to be, thank god.

i heard a soft tapping on my bedroom door.

my sister said, "can i come in, sis?"

i froze, it was like i couldn't speak.

i even stopped crying, at least momentarily.

after a minute, i knew she'd left.

i couldn't take it anymore, so i snuck over to her room.

"can i come in, sis?"

she opened the door, obviously she had been crying as well.

we hugged tightly for such a long time, like we hadn't seen each other in years.

"sis!" she said, "who even are you?"

"i'm... i'm... i'm not sure i know that yet..."

she offered to let me wear her clothes and take me shopping for my own.

i had to confess how i already knew all about her clothes, but she didn't really mind as much as i was worried about.

"well, let's get you dressed for lunch, i'm sure you're tired of boys clothes," she said.

"i don't want to see the family, can we just wear pajamas and have lunch in here?"

"okayy, ya, okay," she barely hesitated to say.

"so what do you want to wear, sis?" she asked, throwing open the closet doors.