Don't Put Your Life at Risk for Me

Chapter 2

Javier never asked to fall in love.

He never asked to deal with the heartbreak that followed or how hard it was to forget something you only briefly had.

It hurt him worse than it had before. He only ever imagined how it'd feel to be with Steve. Now he knew, and it broke his fucking heart.

Javier had left Steve alone in that file cabinet room and went straight to his apartment. He buried himself in his blankets and didn't come out the rest of the night. He could feel the ghosts of Steve's fingers tugging at his hair and the smell of bergamot haunted his nose. The worst part was the lingering taste of that hot mouth on his, licking his tongue and tingling his lips. He couldn't get rid of his taste. Not with a bottle of the strongest whiskey or an entire pack of cigarettes.

He couldn't shake the sadness and desperation of Steve's eyes as he pleaded with him in that file cabinet room.

He never asked to fall in love.

Love was Steve Murphy, and Javier Peña is still falling.

Javier doesn't go to work the next day. He knows he wouldn't be able to handle it. He remains in bed for most of the day until his back starts hurting from being curled in on himself. He doesn't cry, there isn't a single drop of tears left in him, and he doesn't bother eating. He can't. His entire body is just too damn nauseous. He moves to his couch to stare out the window while some cheesy program plays in the background. He eventually turns it off because the romance of their fake relationship is putting a strain on his fragile heart. Everything reminds him too much of Steve.

He watches the birds from his window and admires the overgrown plants hanging off the balconies of the complex across the street until the sun disappears from the sky. There's a faint knock on his door sometime later into the night. He ignores it until he hears footsteps walking away.

Neither of them speak directly to the other during work. They sit at their respective desks and keep everything to themselves. Javier refuses to look at Steve and keeps a cup of coffee almost directly under his nose all morning to avoid having to smell that intoxicating cologne. He can feel Steve's stare on him, it's distracting, but thinking of the pain it'd cause to look up keeps Javier where he is.

They do this for next few days, dancing around and avoiding each other at all costs. Their thoughts were loud and voices silent. Javier realizes he's never been so quiet in his life. It's awkward, sitting there with his head down the entire day and having to time his coffee break so he didn't have to stand next to Steve at the pot. He'd go sit in his truck over lunch and smoke in the heat. Anything to stay away from him. The punch of his stare and the sting of his voice hurt Javier more than it ever had. It wasn't any easier when he went back to his apartment every night. At work he tried his best to stay away from Steve. At home he yearned to be near him.

Sundays are the worst days for Javier. His days off.

Being around Steve was bad enough, but being alone in his apartment for an entire day with nothing to do except think about Steve was pure torture. He could stave off most of the emotions while at work through distractions and actually having to do a job, only dealing with his troubles at night in bed. It was harder to keep his fantasies and pine fests away when there was nothing but cheap whiskey and tragic television to keep him entertained. He didn't have any good distractions on Sundays, and that's why he hated them. They were the days that lasted the longest and hurt the most.

A knock at the door doesn't startle Javier out of his thoughts or take his attention away from the cigarette he's smoking. He'll just ignore it until it goes away. That's what he'd done every other night.