Your Name || yejisu

Chapter 22

LIA

Everything felt cold. Even the dried tears that had fallen on my face minutes or hours ago.

The blankets didn't seem to have any effects on me either anymore.

I stared at the ceiling as I had for a while. It's been hours since I had moved. Nothing. Not a muscle. Only the blinking of my eyes. I needed to pee so bad but I couldn't move. It was too hard.

I didn't care about catching a kidney infection. Actually, I seek it. If I had it, maybe my parents will send me to the hospital or I would there. Either way, I would be out of here.

How such a familiar, cozy house could become such a hell hole? How lovely caring parents could do this to their child?

If I had tears left I would have cried again by the simple thought of Yeji. Her bloody face came back in my mind.

I wished I could have hated her. Hate her for loving me, hate her for making me fall in love with her but I couldn't. Because everything she did made me love more. Last night, she risked herself to see me and fell to her demise for me. She didn't care if it physically hurt, she loved me. She always had. And my best interest was always in her mind even if that destroyed her.

Thinking of her that miserable hurt me. She only had me and she lost me again.

I closed my eyes hard. I wanted the pain. I deserved the pain. I hunted her again and again. Even if I didn't want to I ended up crushing her heart, her soul over and over again. Before the accident and even more now.

Such a wonderful, selfless girl. She didn't deserve it. She deserved the world. A world that I couldn't give her.

I pulled the blanket away sighing. I really needed to pee. Guess I'll not get out of here today.

I dragged my feet back in my room almost lethargically. I lay down, pulling the covers on me again. Up to my forehead this time. I couldn't bear staring at the ceiling again.

"I brought you some lunch," I heard my mom coming inside my room with a soft voice.

How could she feel so good about it when I was suffering that much?

She pulled down the covers but I didn't want to see her so I closed my eyes, groaning.

"You need to get out of bed, Lia. It's a beautiful day outside,"

Beautiful, my ass.

"Let me die,"  I simply replied not wanting to show her my anger.

"Julia, stop being childish! You...."

"Childish?" I snapped. I couldn't hold it in anymore  "How ca...can you say that after what happened last night?"

"Lia, it's over,"

"Over? Over for you maybe bu....but not for me. Don't you see how much I'm suffering? Have you not read the diaries?"

It was a rhetorical question of course. They both knew she did. She had invaded her privacy and cut her from the only person I wanted to be with.

My mom sighed, dropping her arms at her sides "Julia...."

"No, stop. You know what. Let me speak now. I cannot shut up and comply anymore,"

She stood still, her arms still over her chest but I could see the guilt, the uncertainty in her eyes. I didn't care to hurt her feelings, not anymore. I took too much inside myself. She was my mother but that didn't mean she could treat me like shit. It was too much. Aren't the people who love you supposed to love you no matter what?

"Do you love me, mom?"

She immediately dropped her arms, furrowing her eyebrows  "Julia, sweetie, how can you say that?"

" I mean...REALLY love me?"

" Of course I do," she seemed offended by what I implied.

"So, why can't you see what is happening? You read the diaries, you know how I felt. You can't deny that. I surely couldn't and you know what...I fell in love with her again,"

Tears started falling again down my cheeks as my voice cracked. My mom's head dropped.

"You can't Julia,"  she whispered.

"I know...but I did...I do,"  I sniffled  "And she loves me. She's so sweet, mom. She doesn't have an ounce of bad in her,"

" It's not right,"

" Who cares about what's right or not? What about how I feel? How can I feel love so bad toward her that it hurts when it supposed to be bad?"

How can it be bad? How could God go against that?

I dried my tears. Yeji's smile filled my mind. Her awkward cute posture as she stood before me.

"I love her, mom." I repeated.

Silence filled the room. As I dreaded looking at her I tried to gather the courage to do so and when I did, I saw her tears as well.

It hurt but less than thinking of Yeji.

"When you read the diaries, if you had replaced Yeji with a man it would have been a beautiful love, wouldn't it? She would be the perfect boyfriend but if she was a guy, we wouldn't have been in this situation. Not at all. Everything would be different. Us being that secret allowed me to see the real her. She...she loves me so much that she would rather leave than see me suffer. All for my well-being. Who would do that, mom?"  I chocked " It hurts so bad. I didn't know her when I woke up and... I thought she was weird at first because..." I smiled at the memory  "she kept looking at me...and she was so nice. She took notes for me. That's when I understood that I must have known her before because who in their right mind would help their enemy like that?.....But even after that she didn't tell me....she didn't know how and when I found the diaries...it was the craziest thing ever to happen and I got hit by a truck that says a lot,"  I chuckled to myself but my mom didn't. She stared crying  " I couldn't believe it myself,"  We made eye-contact   "Not at first...but everything made sense and the feelings that I couldn't identify when I was around Yeji became bigger and bigger....It's only now that I am realizing that it was...love. I love her.....and I can't even tell her,"   I sobbed, putting my hands over my face.

All I wanted was to tell Yeji. Tell her that I loved her because when I wasn't with her it was like I was dying inside. She had been patient with me and I couldn't tell her how I felt. She kept showing me her love and now that I could return it I was forced not to.

"I wish I had died in the accident,"

"Don't say that," my mom immediately said, sitting on my bed and wrapping her arms around me. I could hear her sobbing.

" I love you, Lia,"

"Why can't you love me when I love Yeji, then?"