P.S.: this was written after just experiencing a panic attack and is therefore a little all over the place.
Sometimes I just want to feel numb.
I get that a lot when I listen to the right songs in the right order too.
But don't get it wrong; I pretty much always feel numb.
But when I don't, I'm in the middle of a panic attack.
It comes within a finger-snap,
Without warning or build up.
And then I feel.
But I don't like that kind of feeling.
It feels like I'm being ripped apart.
Or better yet- my already torn pieces being stepped, cut and pulled on.
It's not a nice feeling;
and it's all I've ever experienced of emotion ever since seven years now.
I'm scared of emotion.
If that's what everything we feel is like, I don't want to feel at all.
Of course, I know that there are other kinds of feelings a human being can get,
But in all honesty, I think they would be just as terrifying. In their own way.
And yes, of course I can still detect emotion.
I'm not an empty shell after all.
Otherwise I wouldn't be able to panic, right?
I think of myself more of a canvas that has been painted white; there's something there, but the work is overshadowed by what was originally there.
It feels like everything I'm capable of feeling, is simply being projected onto me.
Only temporarily until the power runs out.
Since yes; I do sympathize with someone homeless or shed a tear whenever a pet dies.
But all of those things seem to come from the outside.
It's like I'm just reflecting the situation I'm in or being put in by media such as film.
It's not my own expressions or feelings-
They're someone else's that are simply being projected on top of me.
That's how I can physically react; shed a tear and give pitiful eyes.
How I emotionally react is equal to nothing.
I don't feel my heart beating more or stronger when I'm put into an embarrassing situation.
I don't feel the desire to scream into my mothers face even if she does the same wrongdoing for the nth time.
I don't feel my throat tighten painfully when I see a friend break down on front of me.
I just don't feel anything, even if my body shows a reaction.
I just feel numb.
Not capable of moving a limb to show affection or let my heart beat faster when I see them.
To summarize:
The only time I feel emotion is when I'm going through a panic attack.
The only time I can actively show pity or sadness is when I'm out in situations that have a clear social norm on how to act.
There is not a singular time or moment I feel any change of heart inside of me.
Is that a feeling as well? Feeling nothing?
Because I've been told that everything we experience, emotion has a play with how we perceive it.
If it really is like that, I will still not change my sentiment.
Emotions are terrifying
And I still feel numb.
-BCL, 2021
YOU ARE READING
Poems of Them
PoetryMultiple poems are held inside here. Those are the kind to be written from experiences, Knowledge, Dreams and goals. Yet also hold disturbing pictures, at least for some. A life is not always pretty. Mind yourself.
