Beyond reasons

Chapter 1 - Living hurts

 103 days before

Samira

  Everything is white. I'm surrounded by white. I'm crying, but I don't want to. I'm screaming, but I want to stop. I do not feel anything. I haven't felt anything in a long time. I'm not in control of what's happening to me. I want to fight, to resist, but I think life has other plans for me. My body is constantly shaking. My mind has never been more empty, although dozens of thoughts continue to swarm from one corner to another. I want to talk to someone. I just want help.

  The only door in the room opens. A lady dressed in a  white coat, with an expression that does not suggest anything specific to me, approaches me with her hands behind her back. I gather the strength I have left and I manage to pull my body to the nearest wall. I want to be swallowed by the ground. She grabs me by the arm and injects the substance from the syringe she hid.

  The white room spins, my vision blurs and I breathe harder. The room spins faster, I partially lose my hearing, my head gets heavier and I put in even more effort to be able to successfully carry the air into my lungs. I fall to the ground, my cheek sticks to the cold white tiles, I can hardly breathe at all. Black, everything turns black. I don't want the white to go away. Somewhere in the distance, someone is calling to me. I can't answer, it's too late, everything is black already.

 97 days before

  White ... I want white ... I open my eyes and the light, which is fixed in my direction, blinds me for a few seconds. I try to get up, I can't move any of my limbs. My exhausted body is struggling for life, unfortunately, no one is here to give me the help I need. The same woman who gave me the previous injection is coming to me with a new dose. I want to scream, to resist, time is not in my favor this time either. Shee administered the substance to me again, the darkness eats me faster. Everything is black again.

 95 days before

  I hear sounds from every direction and voices whose timbre I cannot recognize. My mind is in desperate need to find something to think about. I open my eyes and discover that the bright light is gone. I try to get up again, the grip is gone. I smiled for a second before the woman reappeared. I get up and collapse just as quickly, panic grips me, the adrenaline reaches its maximum when, with the last gram of energy left, I crawl to the nearest corner. I close my eyes and wait for my breath to be cut again.

-I'm not going to put you under today, I just wanted to make sure you weren't a danger to us or you.

  Contrary to her sweet voice, the state she conveys to me is one of repulsion. I let her touch my hand as she sits on the bed next to me. My whole being is alert and ready to defend itself at all costs from a future war.

-I'm sorry we didn't meet each other in more conventional terms. How are you feeling?

-Dizzy

-I am here to help you face the suffering in which you lost yourself, we will fight together until we are the only ones left. You remember why you're here, don't you?

-It's impossible for me to focus on the words you are saying. But yes, I remember.

- I'll be back tomorrow to clarify the details, have a light sleep!

  I barely heard her voice for the first time, and she expects me to pour things on her tray that I can't even dream of ever being able to say.

 94 days before

- Good morning, I brought you tea.

  She hands me a cup with a pink liquid, which spreads an intoxicating smell of mint in the atmosphere. I take a mouthful as soon as she hands it to me, I don't even remember the last time I was allowed to hold anything. Her wide smile reminds me of the lost times, of Luna.