Beyond reasons

Chapter 6 - A girl with a broken soul

Samira

  Okay, I take all my words back. It doesn't hurt so bad to live anymore. It still hurts, but less. My thoughts don't mix around anymore, they are well defined. The sounds no longer amplify its intensity, it is normal. My vision is no longer blurred, it is clear. My body no longer trembles. The tears stopped. From all points of view, I feel good. I feel good! God, it's such an unfamiliar state.

  His gaze accompanied me today. His brown eyes led me to each class, I can feel the heat emanating from my cold skin from a distance. His imposing and protective presence spreads and surrounds me. Before he leaves, he hugs me. His scent remains impregnated in my dress. As he walks along he turns and smiles at me. I feel my cheeks burning. I am blushing. I smile at him too. I turn around and go home, but I use the back door to avoid even more merciful looks.

  As I go down the stairs, on the grass, lying on the ground, stands the Luna. She looks at me deeply, as if she were looking at my soul tainted with sins as if she sees them all. She says everything that is on her mind. I know it is not her who speaks, it is the suffering, that's why I don't pay attention to the sounds, I pay attention to her gaze, the way her eyes move when she says all those terrible words. Behind the words she shouted, behind her emerald eyes, is just a frightened girl. A girl scared by the words of her colleagues, by the looks of her old friends, by the taste of life. A girl screaming for help, but no one seems to hear her. The light in her goes out slowly. I am crying. I'm crying for her because no one offered to give her the help she needs. One last time, she looks at me and leaves, walks away, not looking back.

  I stay a little longer on the warm grass. I want to reflect on what happened. I've made so many mistakes, I can't even count them. Could I really have changed something? Was I the person who could have made a difference? Have we stood in the way of a happy future? A seed of truth rises in the depths of my mind. Was it really my fault, our fault? I stay there with streams of tears dripping down my face, petrified with fear. I can't think of anything else, it's a tangle of desires and regrets. I need to talk to her, we need to clarify the situation. I want to help her! Or does she have to help me? I use a huge amount of energy to get off the freshly mowed lawn behind the school. I feel safe here. The evil is far away. I get up and head home. Home. I repeat the word a few times. This word no longer represents me, nor do I know if I will ever belong to another place.

  My mother greets me with the same wide smile that I have known since forever, although I see that she cried during the day. She has lost significant weight, her beautifully contoured face is strewn with wrinkles and the marks caused by sleepless nights.

- Mom, I decided to take a walk today, I say with my mouth full of pasta as I lie shamelessly because I truly want to visit Luna.

- I'd love to! she says the words trying to seem happy with the idea, even though I know she's afraid that something might happen to me.

  I smile just as fake. I thank her for the meal and I leave the house in a hurry. I'm late because of the infernal heat. I press my finger on the doorbell, unlucky.

  I'll be back tomorrow. I'll be back every day until I talk to her. I don't give up so easily. It's too early to go home, so I walk around the neighborhood a bit. I walk into my favorite cafe and order a frappuccino. Coffee calms me, clears my mind, although it has the opposite effect on most people.

  As I enjoy my drink, a familiar voice catches my attention at another table. I get up. It's Noah with a girl, he greeds me to come closer. He looks at me, his eyes don't shine the same as earlier. I look at him too, my eyes don't see the same image as earlier. I have been fooled... again. I take the example from Luna and leave without looking back. That's the best way I can cope with the situation, I don't know what was in my head. He will never look at me, a girl with a broken soul, he just wanted to be polite. I stop by a building to gather my strength. Another boy looks at me insistently from a blue car. He gets out of the car. I don't know whether to run away or stay. I find myself having to be pleased by sticking with the second option, my white shoes are deeply buried in the cement trampled by so many souls every day. So many souls broken that are repaired or, why not, intact.

  He sat down next to me and kept me company. I left without asking for his name, I didn't want to ask, I wanted it to remain a mystery. Maybe the whole situation was weird, even if it didn't seem to bother him. Although he saw me, I think I'm starting to disappear.

 I get home confused and stay that way until I sit in bed. I close my eyes. Reflect. I reflect on what happened. I reflect on everything that happened to me. There are so many mixed moments, I get tired of my mind. I can't sleep all night, I think too much, I cry too much. It doesn't help me, but at least it keeps my mind busy, so that's enough for me. The sun rises, the alarm sounds, I turn it off. Sleep drags me to it more than ever.