Beyond reasons

Chapter 2 - The first look

Before 10 days

Luna

Every cell in my body goes through unimaginable pain, no medicine can treat the emptiness I have. My skin burns like someone poured gasoline on me and left me alone in the center of the flames. I have been trapped in this state for so many years that I have forgotten what it is like to feel other things. Sometimes I have the impression that I am completely detached from the body in which I am trapped. Sometimes a weight falls on my shoulders and knocks me to the ground. I wish I could lie somewhere quiet without worrying about tomorrow, without blaming myself for the deaths of two people that I loved enormously. Will the agony end? I'm stuck in a life I don't want to live. I have to put an end to it ... if I could just do it ...

The only one who held my heart in her own hands, to be convinced that I would not reach the bottom of the ocean, was Samira. She is the treasure I had the opportunity to meet when life showed me one of its ugly faces. I lost her. I lost everything and everyone. I lost myself.

I somehow managed to stay upright. I managed to find the strength I needed to gather the remnants of my numb soul. I'm completely numb. The days started to develop a rehearsal, and I have the talent to get lost in the shades.

Today is Monday, since I know myself I promise a new beginning, far from the daily torment. Over the years, my hope lost its brightness and became just an idea that I set out to complete ... someday. The clothes have the same texture on my skin, the rough material of the shirt scratching me causing a deafening sound. I undress it and try on another blouse, a cotton one, coral. And it is exactly as I remembered, soft and velvety, with a scent of my mother's scent. I would lie if I pretended not to miss her, I would also lie if I pretended to miss her.

The indigo color of the sky changes to a bright pink until I arrive in front of the school. I'm not ready to face a new week, but nobody cares. When Thomas Hersly sticks to my locker first thing in the morning I realized that today will be a terrible day, like all the others.

- Look, you can't postpone it indefinitely, you have to return my money by Friday. I know we've known each other for a lifetime, and I know your story. But I really need them. Do you understand me? the aggression in his voice subsides when he remembers my current situation.

- Of course, yes ... I'll do what I can to get the money by then, I stammered.

- I'm glad you're so receptive. I'm waiting for you on Friday after school, there was no question he asked, but an accomplished fact.

I approve, he walks away as quietly as he came. His visits don't do me any good, only the smell of his cheap cologne makes me remember that damn party.

I walk slowly through the crowded halls until I reach the laboratory, where we do the anatomy/chemistry experiments. I'm afraid I won't be able to repay the money I borrowed until Friday, or I won't be able to repay it at all. Colleagues' laughter is lost in the background when I fall on the floor, still conscious, but paralyzed ... paralyzed by fear.

I wake up in the school infirmary, I recognize it immediately after the betadine stains, which are scattered in the form of the Rorschach test over the walls. I pull my body forward, trying to overcome the force of gravity and remain supported by the bed on which I will lose half an hour of my life.

June is sitting on her back in the office chair giving herself a foot injection. I twitch for a second, she notices that I have recovered, throws away the syringe, and approaches me. After putting on a pair of blue gloves, the smell of which reminds me of smoke, she checks my pulse and blood pressure, then sits on the bed next to me.

- You have no idea how badly you scared me! You have a low blood sugar level, you need to eat something soon. Please take care of yourself, I can't always be there for you. How do you feel?

- Empty, the only word I could use to answer.

- Oh, honey, I know you've been through some things that no teenager should have. Do you think it would be good for you to talk to a psychologist? I'm sure Mr. Lewis would love to talk a little. Or I could talk to you, you can call me whenever you want.

- No thanks, I'll be better soon ...

- You should go, I know you have classes to get to. And don't forget your blood sugar!

- Thanks a lot!

Over the years I have spoken to a lot of people who wanted to help me, wheater they were psychologists, with dozens of framed diplomas in the field hanging on a wall, or ordinary people, whose soul stinks of excessive kindness. No one came close to the hole that kept deepening.

When Samira stumbles over my foot, I tremble and remain a stone statue, staring at her face, whose features are full of loss and disappointment. I don't think there's a suitable word I could say. We became strangers so quickly. Every step I take in the opposite direction brings tears to my eyes, I don't think I will ever be able to stop crying. I chose to run and cry on the dirty tiles in front of the toilets to avoid facing a conflict and reliving the memories.

Avoid any interaction with another student as much as possible until I get to class. Here, behind the glass window, nature emanates life. The trunks of the trees are not only brown, they are a multitude of shades mixed that gave rise to a balanced composition. I find it fascinating how the clouds diffuse from painfully bright yellow to blue. I realize I've been caught up in my world for too long when a pink post-it makes its way through my notebooks and sits right under my nose. I'm leaving the class with Mrs. Catherine's disapproving look, I'm not wanted here ... I'm not wanted anywhere.

I stick to a wall, letting myself slide slowly to the floor along with the regrets I had accumulated during the day. I close my eyes. The alarm went off, I didn't bother to get up. It doesn't take long for a boy to come out of the same class with spotted pride. He leaned against the wall until he hit the floor, just like me. I don't know him, but he looks at me as if he has known me for centuries. We remain stuck staring at each other.