Beyond reasons

Chapter 4 - His eyes are blue

Luna

I can read everything in his eyes. He doesn't care anymore, seems like he had given up, but deep down somehow I know he has a stronger character than that. I don't know him, but his presence immediately made me wake up from my current state of mind. He doesn't waste time, gets up, and sits one meter away from me. Bold, I like it. I didn't expect that, I thought we would look at each other in silence until the bell would let us know that we had more important places to go. I smile at him from the bottom of my heart, against my will.

His eyes are blue. The shade of blue that makes your blood freeze, your breath cut off and your heart stops for a second. I can't compare them to the ocean or a clear sky after a rainy day, I would underestimate them, it would be wrong of me to do that. In just a few seconds, every feature of his face is memorized and stored in a safe place in my head, not knowing when it will be the next time to see him. I grew up, I realize that when the euphoria spread through my body in the form of butterflies. A few months ago I would have left without looking back, I would have moved away from him without analyzing the expression that leaves me breathless, I would have continued on my way without hearing his voice. I am not like that. ... or at least I wasn't. I always liked the power I gained after breaking the hearts of boys, who only caressed me with flowers. I loved the disappointment on the faces of the cheerleaders when they saw that I was messing with Alex, I lived to receive attention. In this second I just want to disappear. The electric current that passes through the mine makes me feel exposed, even overwhelmed by the situation.

- What are you doing here, you don't have classes? Get out of here! Hurry up! the principal raised his voice.

The butterflies that surrounded me flew on, the Earth begins to spin again. After walking a few meters I realize that the boy with cold eyes is not with me, is under the wing of the principal. The bell rings, the empty hall fills in a few seconds, I wasn't fast enough to go back after him. Absolute silence turns into chaos. Everything is ruined. My thoughts start to mix again, my eyes blur. With the last drop of strength, I have left, I run to the exit and collapse on the lawn. I'm aware, that's fine. I sit on my back, facing the sun, and blink less and less, until I fall asleep.

When a figure leans over my body, covering the direct light that stretches across my face, I force myself to stand up. My muscles tense after I look at her, she's wearing the same yellow dress. Why does she desperately want to plant the pieces of the past exactly where it hurts the most? Why does she desperately want to make me go through the same torture again? Why does she desperately want to make me suffer?

- It's okay, calm down! Samira finally says as she sits down next to me.

I didn't realize I was crying. Why do I have to cry every day? Why don't the tears stop? Why doesn't the suffering stop? She stretches out with a paper napkin and wipes my cheek, which has been furrowed for too many rainy days.

- I know, it hurts ...

She's crying too. We cry together hoping that the pain will go away, even though we know it is impossible. We are marked by life, that is our fate. We were left behind to deal with what they left behind. I snatch my face from her palms and finally speak. I say absolutely everything that comes to my mind. I scream and shout.

- How can you allow yourself to come here after so many months and say that it's okay? How can you say that? Of course, it was your fault! Of course, it was my fault! You could have told me about what was going on between him and the Barbie doll! If you had told me, maybe nothing would have happened!

- Luna...

I don't let her talk, she has no right. Tears roll down her face even faster. I am not sorry. She must be aware of what has happened, she must accept what has happened and go through the denial phase.

- Where have you been until now? I'll tell you! You just hid. As you usually do, you block anything that doesn't suit you.

- How dare you talk to me like that?

- How did you allow yourself to leave me there alone? How did you allow yourself to leave me here alone to face the loss, the lies? How did you allow yourself to let him drive drunk? How did you afford not to show up at the funeral? You have no idea how I felt when I saw Bethany there, and you were untraceable!

I'm leaving and I'm not looking back. I leave her, I leave her in the dark, I challenge her so that she will be able to rise from her own ashes, if I have not succeeded, it does not mean she can not. I finally get home. I go up the stairs, slam the door. Nobody cares. Nobody cares that I am slamming the door. Nobody cares that I haven't eaten in a few days. Nobody cares about my self-destruction. I'm like a bomb, I can explode anytime, and no one cares.

The six hours I work every day at the cafe in the city allow me to pretend that I live a normal life, that I am a happy teenager, who wants to have her money. I do pirouettes between the tables, the orders fly from my hands directly in front of the customers to the rhythm of the vibrations on the floor. The aroma of the coffee beans, which grinds behind me, soaks my clothes. This is the only way I manage to take a small piece of freedom with me. Towards evening, when I return home, the truth hits me hard - I am not at all what I claim to be. So that the eyes of others are not merciful, I choose to live in a lie, which I continue to increase voluntarily. But what else could I do to keep up appearances? The fridge is always empty, the bills keep multiplying, the money is never enough. And I ... I'm tired.

I wake up too early, the sun didn't even rise below the horizon. An impulse pushes me to look for the sheets I threw away when I arrived. The pencil shakes between my fingers, as if it doesn't want to touch the paper, it doesn't want to take part in my self-destruction. What's his fault? Unfortunately just a collateral victim. His tip breaks a few times, I put pressure on it with too many emotions at once. When my hand stops shaking, I finally sketch something. I draw my pain and upset. I'm drawing my story. Warm rays of sunlight spread across my body, mirrored in the window, and flickered in my pupils. The room lights up in golden colors, the drawing is no longer so dark, but my mind did not light up at all. A red shadow walks over the page, my eyes watch it flow ... until it disappears. Another shade appears shortly after, a yellow one, like pure amber, it disappears faster. Even the shadows leave me. I keep drowning in memories.