Beyond reasons

Chapter 5 - Broken glass

Finn

She is crying. Her eyes turned so red. It gives me the impression that the next tears she will shed will be blood. Her make-up has spread all over her face, her freckles are almost invisible, but she doesn't care. I appreciate that. We get lost in each other's eyes, the minutes fly by. I happened to meet her at the most vulnerable moment, but she never looked away. She is different than most people I, she sparks.

Before my mouth could open up, Mr. Howard Walker's yelling briefly ended the conversation we didn't get to have. I watch her walk away in the opposite direction. She did not even look back. And I think I just found out how much this meeting meant to her.

- Finnley Hart? I was looking for you, we should talk a little.

- Did I get in trouble?

- I wouldn't use that word. Wait in the office until I find your file in the archive.

The radio is not on, the waves can no longer detach my mind from my body, they no longer exist. The frustration of thinking that my parents will have to come here to get me out of the mess is too much for me. Why will I never be able to be like my brothers?

- Okay, the file is thin. I received several warnings about you today and I thought it would be best to discuss them together. Do you agree with this?

- Of course.

- First class, history with Mr. Brown ... did you fell asleep?

- Yeah.

- Third class, french with Mrs. Catherine... Did you fell asleep again?

- Yes.

- Where were you in from the second class?

- I had an appointment with Mr. Lewis.

- I guess that did not turn out the way you wanted. Look, I'm not going to call your parents, I don't think you did anything wrong, you just had a bad day and I hope it won't happen again.

- I'll make sure it doesn't happen again.

- You can leave, you have other classes to get to. Take care of yourself!

- Thank you very much!

I leave the office and get lost in the crowd of students, hoping I won't have to go through another discussion like this ever. Lunchtime is coming too fast. After our cook, Mrs. McCrudder, puts a weird and frozen pea paste on my tray, I sit down with the "lunch" at the table, where my "friends" greet me.

Thirty-five minutes a day I am obliged to listen to the gossip of the week, to laugh at the worst jokes, to greet people who have not spoken to me all year round, and to eat, or at least try to eat, the food that was served. The pack of cigarettes, which hides in my trouser pocket, does not turn me on as it did just a few hours before, it suddenly lost its effect on me.

- Who are you looking for?

- No one. Why?

- You look too insistently at the people who enter the room, are you okay?

I'm lying, I'm looking for her. I've been looking for her since she left and I'll keep looking for her until I find her. I can't stop comparing people to her, I can't erase her gaze from my eyes, I can't forget the only good thing that happened to me today.

After the classes are over, I get in the car and drive too much. I don't know where I'm going, but the need to get away from school, home, the city pushes me to do things I didn't know I wanted. I drive until the sunsets. The rays pierce the windshield, leaving me to enjoy the warmth. Sunsets are ephemeral, as are many other things in life. On the way back I stop in front of the karaoke bar, which has become a second home for me. At the entrance, propped against the parallel wall, stands another girl with a torn soul. I can't find the right words now either, so we spend a few minutes in silence.

- Thank you, she says, wiping her face with her palms.

- What for?

- Because you showed me that I'm not invisible.

She cleared her throat and walked away from me as suddenly as she appeared. I didn't go into the bar, it got a bit late. The air in the car had cooled, and the heat had stopped working since my father gave the car to me. I think my mother is worried, but I'm terribly calm. I park the car on the lawn, the cold pushes me to hurry inside.

- Mom! I'm sorry it won't happen again! I promise! I tell lies over and over hoping that I will be able to alleviate her disappointment to some extent, but the door is locked.

Nothing. I sit on the lawn clenching my teeth. It is 9 PM and the cold penetrated through clothes and muscles reaching the bones. I knock on the door again, the key spins in the lock twice. Clara stands in the doorway with her hands clasped to her chest.

- Why did you open it for me, where is mom? I enter and lock back the door.

- Around 6 PM, mom dropped a glass on her leg, the glass cut her skin. Dad had to come home early to take her to the hospital.

She is so diplomatic and smart, when did she grow up so much?

- And why didn't you open the first time I knocked?

- I didn't hear you, I have my own things to take care of. By the way, mom was so angry, prepare for the speech or some punishment.

I gather all the glass from the ground, for some time only glass remains a constant in my life. I put two pieces of cutlery on the table and manage to make a dish from the leftovers I find in the fridge. I know, Clara doesn't like the way I cook, but she has to eat something.

She's a meter away from me and we act like we don't know each other anymore as we've never met. We became strangers and that hurts. The dense silence between us can no longer be broken as easily as before, she can barely look at me. She's totally absorbed in the TV show or she's just pretending to watch. If mom was here, she wouldn't even let us touch the remote control during dinner, nor would we talk about turning it on, but we both had a hard day. She disappeared around the corner as soon as the plate touched the sink. No matter what I do I still have the feeling that the glass is stinging my skin, I still have the feeling that I am bleeding. Maybe I'm made of broken glass.