For the Love of Lotus

III

My mother is already suspicious of me.

"As I was walking through Lanling, I met with a disciple from Cloud Recesses. We spoke briefly, and I am eager to finish our discussion," I partially lie.

My mother stops glaring at me, satisfied with my answer.

My father smiles. "You've already achieved connections with the Gusu Lan Sect? I know you will do well during your studies. You have my permission to go on ahead."

I nod. "Thank you, father. Please excuse me." I grab my sword and go to the courtyard.

The disciples attending the Lan Clan lectures are gathered together.

I approach one of the female disciples. "Mian-Mian, I'm leaving you in charge. Please escort everyone to Gusu. I shall join you all when you arrive," I instruct.

Mian-Mian bows. "Of course. Is there anything else I can do to assist you?"

I shake my head. "There's no need and do not worry. I will use Suihua to avoid any danger. I will be meeting with an elder of Cloud Recesses," I hand Mian-Mian the lecture invitation, "I'm trusting you with this until we reunite in Gusu's most frequented inn. Make sure to rent out the entire inn."

Mian-Mian bows again. "As you wish, Child."

I nod, satisfied. I unsheathe my sword and hop on it. I fly across the land, over Gusu, and straight to the gates of Cloud Recesses. I nimbly leap down from Suihua. I walk up to the two disciples guarding the gates.

"Who are you? What is your business here?" one of the disciples asked.

"I am Jin Zixuan from the Lanling Jin Sect. I have come seeking the advice of Elder Lan. I was discussing matters with Lady Lan yesterday afternoon," I reply calmly.

At my words, both disciples bow respectfully. They stand aside and remove the barrier.

I nod in acknowledgment as I stride past them. I arrive in the main courtyard, making eye contact with none other than Lian.

She stands in the center of the courtyard, clad in the robes of a Lan disciple. Her forehead ribbon is neatly tied around her head. A silver hair ornament holds a portion of her hair back. Strapped at her side are her twin daggers. Lian approaches me. "Child Jin," she bows, "I welcome you to Cloud Recesses." Her voice sounds small and hoarse.

"Lady Lan, I thank you. Are you well?" I have her stand up straight.

"Well, I—"

"Child Jin," Lan Qiren approaches us and bows, "why have you arrived early?"

"Elder Lan, I have come seeking your advice upon a matter most important. May we speak privately?" I reply.

Lan Qiren nods and leads me away. He takes me into what looks like a study. Qiren takes a seat behind the desk, gesturing for me to sit across from him.

I sit down and prop Suihua against the desk. "Elder Lan, I do not know how much you know, but I shall tell you all I know. Yesterday evening, I met Lady Lan in Lanling. While at an inn, we both gave into desire— Lady Lan acted so because of the fever while I out of wanting to help. I have my fears as to the result of our affairs. I have come here, seeking your counsel," I explain.
      
Qiren nods. "I understand your concerns. When my daughter returned in an ill state, I knew something had happened. Only my nephews, Lian, and myself are aware of everything. I beseech you to touch my daughter's forehead ribbon."
      
I shake my head violently. "Elder Lan, my parents have arranged for me to wed Lady Jiang. I cannot possibly do as you ask."
      
"Jin Zixuan, do you want a marriage with Lady Jiang? Lan Qiren asks.
      
I open my mouth to say something, but no words come out. I do not want to marry Jiang Yanli, but I do not wish to anger my parents. My heart, even now, tells me I should be with Lotus. But I do not wish for her to be placed in danger. I watch Elder Lan's expression.
      
He knows exactly what I'm thinking. "Child Jin, you may be engaged to Lady Jiang. But by the rules of our clan, Lian can only marry you. Perhaps, I can speak privately with your father and Sect Leader Jiang. I will do all I can to help you and my daughter. I believe she has something to tell you. She should be in the library pavilion with one of my nephews."
      
I bid Lan Qiren farewell and stand, picking up Suihua. I calmly leave the study. I do not understand why, but I feel so desperate to see Lian.
      
Lian sits just outside the library pavilion with none other than Lan Xichen. She seems to be studying a book with him. 
      
I approach them. "Sect Leader Lan, Lady Lan." I bow respectfully.
      
Both nod in acknowledgment and invite me to join them.
      
I take a seat directly across from Lian. "Lady Lan, I deeply apologize for my actions. I didn't mean for this to happen..."
      
"Child Jin, it's alright."
      
"... to you. I take full responsibility for what I've done. I should have controlled myself. Please, forgive me." I bow my head low.
      
A hand is placed upon my shoulder. "There's no need. You have done nothing wrong," replies a voice most gentle.
      
I look up, meeting the eyes of Sect Leader Lan. "But I have done a wrong. I deserve to be punished for my actions, especially since I am engaged to Lady Jiang. I do not deserve to be a part of your family.
      
Xichen shakes his head. "You are being too harsh. If you fear what your parents will do, just put on an act as if nothing happened. I am sure my uncle will have a private council with Sect Leaders Jiang and Jin. For now, just be yourself. Once everything is settled, you will no longer have to hide."

I know what Sect Leader Lan means.

He wants me to act like my normal arrogant self.

The gears in my head turn as my heart aches. I know what I must do. I hate myself for deciding this, but until I find another way, I have no choice. I will have to push Lian away in order to protect her... and our unborn child.    
       
As much heartbreak as this will cause, I sigh, it's the only way.