For the Love of Lotus

VI

I don't know where to start. I don't want to upset Lian, but I also want to be entirely honest with her. I must be careful with my words.
      
In her condition, Lian might think the opposite of what I mean. She stares at me curiously.
      
I take a deep breath, stalling for more time to gather my thoughts. "Lian, I never thought I would find my true love," I begin fidgeting with my robes, "I always believed I should just accept the engagement with Lady Jiang. But after meeting you, I don't know how I should feel. It all seems wrong, but it feels so right. I just—"
      
"Feel even the slightest bit ashamed? I know you despise your father for what he does, and now you have done it— with a Lan of all cultivators. You are probably ashamed of yourself, me, and my unborn child." The anger and fury swirling in Lian's eyes makes her seem deadly. She has already misinterpreted my words.
      
"No! No, not at all! That's not what I mean at all! I love you, Lan Lian. I love you so much. Please understand how worried I am for you. My parents will be furious when they find out. They will come after you and our unborn child. I really love you, but I don't want any harm to come to you," I walk over to the bank and reach a hand out to her, "or our son." I finally meet her eyes after I ramble.
      
Lian looks at me curiously. "Do you just assume the baby is a boy?" She takes my hand and pulls me into the pond. Lian wraps her arms around me tightly.
      
I do the same. "I have seen visions in my dreams of— of our son."
      
At my words, Lian relaxes in my arms. "I just know he'll be perfect," she purrs.
      
I hold her for a bit, just enjoying her warmth. I need to tell her, so she won't be angry with me. "Lian, you won't like what I must do. But please trust that I'm only doing it to protect you. And I ask for forgiveness for I must falsely deny everything," I explain. I separate from Lian and climb out of the pond. "I shall see you during our studies."
      
"I love you, Zixuan!" Lian calls.
     
I want to look back, but I can't. Starting today, I must be my arrogant self. Tears prick the corners of my eyes. As much as I hate myself for this, I must do all I can to protect them— even if I must pretend to not care.
      
Evening comes faster than I desire.
      
We are all gathered in one of the lecture halls, listening to Elder Lan.
      
As expected, Child Wei isn't paying attention. He's too busy trying to catch the attention of Second Child Lan. When Wuxian's attempts fail, he turns around and begins talking with Child Nie.
      
I roll my eyes at his childish behavior. I keep my eyes on Lan Qiren as I listen to the lecture, but I spot Lian at the edge of my vision.
      
She sits calmly beside her cousin, Lan Wangji. Every few minutes, she fidgets with her robes. Lian is most likely upset with me for not speaking to her since this morning.
      
Before Lian can look at me, I pay full attention to Elder Lan. I sit up straight and hold my head high. I never take my eyes off Lan Qiren and don't bother looking Lian. She's not important right now, I tell myself. As the lecture comes to an end, I stand and lead the Jin disciples outside. I lead them halfway through the courtyard before running into Lian and Xichen.
      
Sect Leader Lan has an arm wrapped around her waist. He holds her against his body as she cries.
      
Lian's sobs are surprisingly loud. She buries her face in the crook of Xichen's neck, leaning on him for support.
      
As much as I want to go to them, I can't. I follow behind them as I lead the others to the guest housing inside Cloud Recesses.
      
Xichen walks Lian to where the Yunmeng Jiang disciples are staying. He waits outside the screen doors patiently.
      
Finally, Lady Jiang opens the door with a smile. "Sect Leader Lan, Lady Lan," she greets.
      
Xichen smiles. "Lady Jiang, I know you are friends with Lian and was wondering if you could comfort her."
      
Yanli's eyes flicker over to the crying Lian. "Of course," she turns to her friend, "Come, let's get you cleaned up and taken care of." Yanli helps Lian inside.
      
Jiang Wanyin comes to the door and bids Xichen good evening before sliding the door closed.
      
Panic wells up inside my chests.
      
They will learn everything and tell their parents.
      
Most unfortunately, Wei Wuxian will pester me about it and rumors will spread like fire.
      
I do my best and hurry back to my guest room. I will be in trouble if Lan Xichen notices me and learns that I watched them.
      
"Child Jin," a soft voice stops me in my tracks.
      
I slowly turn to face Xichen. "Sect Leader Lan," I say as I bow.
      
"Have you changed your mind?" Xichen frowns. He must've noticed my recent attitude towards Lian.

I don't know how to explain it. I take a few minutes to make sure my words will make sense. I meet Xichen's eyes. "I haven't. I love her and that won't change," I confess, "I just don't want her to get hurt or suffer. I know my parents and Madame Yu will come after her when they find out. Until everything has been resolved, I must put up this act or else Lian will be in danger."

Lan Xichen processes my words. Surely, he knows what I speak of. "I understand your concerns," he sighs, "but are you sure this is the right thing to do? Lian is quite upset about you avoiding her."

I moan as I turn away from Sect Leader Lan. "I'm very well aware of that. But I can't figure out another way. I would rather her be angry with me temporarily than lose her forever." Before Xichen can say anything else, I fast-walk to my guest room. I slip inside and close the door, sinking to my knees. Tears fall down my cheeks freely. I bury my face in my hands.

Lian is already upset. If I keep this up, she will have a broken heart within a few days.

And it will be my fault.

Sect Leader Jiang will arrive tomorrow. He will discuss things with me and reach an understanding.

I hope he cancels the engagement. I don't want to resort to running away with Lian.

We wouldn't make it far due to her condition and fever.

I force myself to get up and walk to the bed. I wipe away all the tears and take off my shoes. I put Suihua in the sword holder by the bed. I crawl under the covers and close my eyes. I fight with myself to go to sleep. Once asleep, I lose myself to another vision.

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My son stands amongst other junior disciples. He's smiling and laughing with them. My son wears the robes of a Lanling Jin disciple and gold hair decorations. He holds a sword with similar colors to Suihua in his hand.

Two of his friends wear the white robes and headbands of the Gusu Lan Sect. They each carry a silver sword in a white sheath.

The last of my son's friends wears blue robes and a silver hair decoration.

I cannot think of who he could be.

Then again, none of them are even born yet.

At least my son will have a safe future.