A.N.- ALL RIGHTS BELONG TO JK ROWLING AND I OWN NOTHING EXCEPT MY MISTAKES.
August 20, 1998
Dear Diary,
I really thought I was better off without Ron. I didn't want to miss him anymore. I had reflected upon it. I didn't miss him as my boyfriend. I missed him more as a bestfriend. We usually just fought, him going to even as extreme as wanting me to choose between him and Harry during our search for Horcruxes. Yes, it was too much of him to say so and it had really infuriated me even though I had to keep myself calm as he had the effect of the locket on him. But that locket was bringing out his worst self and I had kept this thought aside afterwards thinking that it was just the locket. I didn't want to go to the extreme end of breaking any relationship with him over such a petty thing. I'm sure it must have impacted Harry a lot but if he could forgive him, so could I. That was exactly what I did. I had feelings for Ron and I couldn't just brush them off even though after that incident, the way I viewed him had slightly changed. I had decided to turn a blind eye towards that. Love really is blind after all. It teaches us to accept all the faults in the other and adopt the notion of "forgive and forget".
I had done it all. I had done everything in my power to keep him. I gave him space. I gave him all the time I could to heal him. I knew someday it was going to end like this. We were never the same. We never even thought in a similar way.
I realized that love wasn't for us. It just ruined us. I didn't know how he felt. I always just felt our relationship worsening everyday after it all started. Everyday I wished to go back to the time when neither of us had any feelings for each other. Maybe I should've expected less from him. Maybe I should've made him happier. Maybe I should have given him more time and space. But could I? More importantly, should I have? Why in the world, when I was the only one in my eyes who was the giver in our relationship! He always made me cry and feel that I did something wrong.
All in all, it was a toxic relationship. It was good it ended.
Now I miss him more each passing day. As a best friend. Atleast, as a friend. I don't even know how he is. Does he think about me? Does he miss me? Not as a girlfriend, atleast as an old friend? If he doesn't, did he ever even see me as a friend?
I don't know why these negative thoughts surround me so many times a day. I feel a tightening in my stomach and my heart sinks to the bottom whenever I feel like this. I wish everything was better. I wish I could turn the time and go back to a normal life.
I sometimes even wish I never was a witch. Maybe leading a normal life would've been much easier and better and happier. Even though I'm saying so, most of the days I feel I'm really grateful to be a witch. I don't know how it would have been for me if I weren't one.
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