PAINLESS AND PAINFUL

CHAPTER 1: DECEMBER 10TH. 11:30 PM.

River's POV.

I've always wondered what is the best way to die, the least painful or, if there is one, the painless.

My nose is starting to run because of the cold. I wipe it away with my hand, uncomfortably adjusting my coat as I pass a group of people my age. They're laughing, having fun, being careless. Young. I wonder what that feels like, enjoying life I mean. Feels foreign to me.

I make a turn to my right. As I walk through the flashy streets of New York, I keep thinking. The lights of the cars, honks, people chattering, the noise, fucking New York; everything is too overwhelming to function. My mind struggles here. I wish I could go somewhere peaceful, a place that didn't have the frenzy this city has. Getting out of work at these hours can't be good for my health either. Life as someone like me can't be healthy. Whatever. I like overthinking, doesn't matter how unhealthy it is, helps me distract from all the bullshit.

This question has always made my practical side struggle. I'm usually good at answering questions. Working my mind to find a way to solve a problem, comes easy to me; at least it has been for the past 6 years. I've been told that I'm smart, curious even. Teachers have been praising me as long as I can remember; but I don't believe I'm some smarty pants. I'm not smart, I'm good at learning. There's a big fat difference there. If I wasn't good at it, I'd be dead. I might fail one time, but that's all it takes for me to learn from my mistake and never ever commit it again.

Death is not an option. I wish it was.

Survival is and will always be my only path as long as my sister is breathing. Rough shit is a good teacher and I'm a fucking amazing learner.

As I enter the lonely subway, my mind wanders. Swiping my subway card, I keep walking hurriedly. This place stinks.

When I first started bickering with the thought, I immediately discarded the obvious super painful shit. AKA: shooting yourself, jumping of a building, hanging yourself, have a train run you over... You know, the typical movie gore ways. As I walk into the platform, I see a needle in the floor. I scrunch my nose. Drugs are out of -

"Hey baby girl".

Ick. My body shivers in disgust. Fucking Steve. I turn and look at him seemingly unbothered.

"What do you want?" I manage out the words hoping the subway car shows up soon. I dart my eyes around in search for anyone around me. There is no one in sight. It's too late. Fuck. I'm not that afraid of death.

"Your mother didn't pay me back," he sticks out a boney paw to caress my shoulder length brown locks, "if she doesn't pay back with cash, I'll need some other type of... payment" his hand lingers to my face and his hungry eyes dart to my breasts.

His eyes roam through my body and I shove his hand off my face, "What are you talking about? She had the money this morning. She told me you were coming over to get it".

Yeah, my mother isn't exactly reliable, but this morning she seemed pretty scared of what Steve might do if she didn't pay him back. Her blue eyes were darting to the door of the apartment constantly, her skinny figure on edge.

"Yeah well, she didn't answer the door so you better pay me because my patience is running out baby doll", the last words come out of his mouth slurred. I grunt. He is disgusting. The smell of rotting eggs and tobacco mixed with sweat reeking around him makes my nostrils flare.

"You're too close sicko" I mutter under my breath. Before he answers I scrunch my nose and open my mouth.

"Listen, can you fuck off? I owe you nothing. Come back tomorrow in the morning, I'll give you the money myself, but leave me the fuck alone. " The words come out in a rush, anger pulsing through my veins along with something else. Fear. Shouldn't have said that.

His eyes turn dangerously dark. He steps closer.

"Listen little bitch you're lucky I like you," grabbing my neck, he leans into my ear, "if I didn't, you would have a bullet on your skull by now, or worse..." his slimy smile sends shivers through my body.

I look him dead in the eye, "Well then no one would pay you, would they? What is this big bad drug dealer gonna do if they don't get their money? What will you tell Rick, huh? ". My tongue feels sour when I mutter the name. Be strong, you are strong.

You're really, really pretty River. His voice echoes in my mind. Shake it out River, I tell myself.

"Want to try? Be my guest." I bark out harshly, my heart beating loudly inside my ribcage. I feel my mouth dry up, so before I lose my words I finish off. "Now, back. The. Fuck. Off" His eyes pierce into mine.

He abruptly let's go of me and starts retreating backwards. My feet glued to the floor. Don't look weak. 

"I'll see you tomorrow baby girl, have the money ready, or else-" The subway car appears behind me and cuts him off. I glare at him one more time and hop on.

By the time I reach the shitty apartment complex it's past midnight. When I enter the apartment, I mutter a hello and dart straight to my room. I shove my bag to the bed. God dammit mom. I look at Lex's empty bed.

"Lex?" Silence.

It's then I remember she is at her best friends' house for a sleep over. I sigh, relieved. Hopefully Steve will come by tomorrow before she arrives. I don't want her here. She has seen too much already. I look through my messages and search for Alexis' contact. I text her a short I love you, have fun.

I shove my phone into my back pocket as I head to the living room. Mom is on the couch sleeping and I take peak at the coffee table. God the money isn't there. Fuckity-fuck. I growl. The kitchen maybe? I try for luck and don't find anything. Fuck she must have spent it on more drugs. I grab the counter and drop my head longing the days when my dad would take us to the bowling alley. I close my eyes to try to compose myself.

I walk back to the living room heading towards my mother. As I approach her, I see the needle in her arm. I freeze. God dammit. She is pale, more than usual. I feel the bile rise up from my stomach when I reach to shake her up. Nothing. The temperature around the room seems to drop, cold sweat breaking in the back of my neck. Hesitant, I put my fingers in her neck. I drop them as if I had just burned myself. No. Tears prickle the back of my eyes; my throat begins to close and I take a few steps backwards hitting the coffee table. The steal ashtray falls to the carpeted floor in a loud thump. All its contents splattered. As I reach to pick it up a single tear drops down my cold cheek.

"Hey mom! It's your turn." An amused laugh came out of her mouth.

"Honey I think there is no use. You're already winning." Bright white
teeth and warm expression. Her perfect smile.

I swipe the tear harshly, swallowing hard I try to shove the rest of tears back down. I stand up quickly focusing my gaze on her. Too quick; my head spins around and I have to grab the lamp besides me to steady myself. Times seems to stop. Hands trembling, I reach for my phone in the back pocket of my jeans and dial 911. My eyes in some sort of trance, focusing on the needle. The sound of the kitchen's clock becoming louder as silence fills the room. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.