I Don't Like This World, I Only Like You

11.1

Chapter 11 : The armour and the weakness

001

Jungkook has a friend who recently discovered that he was suffering from the latest stages of cancer. Although this friend had attended our wedding, I wasn’t able to interact much with him as I was simply too busy that day. That said, I do remember him as a chubby fellow, and when he smiled, his eyes would crinkle up and form a line. When he was toasting us, his wife even joked that he had such tiny eyes that we wouldn’t be able to locate his eyes if he weren’t wearing glasses.

During the weekend, I accompanied Jungkook on a visit to the hospital. Both of us knew in our hearts that this could very well be the last time we saw him. Before we left the house, Jungkook reminded me to remain composed. Although I understood what Jungkook meant, I couldn’t help but feel terrible when I saw the 90kg chubby man of the past reduced to becoming a bag of bones lying on the bed, trying his best to smile and welcome us despite having difficulty breathing. Conversely, Jungkook chatted with him as per normal.

As we didn’t want to disturb the patient’s rest, we didn’t stay long and chose to leave soon after. After existing the ward, I accompanied Jungkook to the stairway where he could smoke. There, the two of us sat side by side on the staircase, both of us choosing not to speak a single word.

There are occasions when I would think about death. When I was a teenager, I wasn’t afraid of death in the slightest, simply accepting that it was something everybody had to experience one day. However, nowadays, I’m truly afraid of such a day arriving. It’s not because I’m afraid of pain and suffering; rather, I fear that I would no longer be able to enjoy the things I presently cherish. I fear that I would no longer be able to hug the people I love. I fear that I would no longer be able to accompany my children when they’re growing up. More importantly, Jungkook and I have already become such a integral part of each other – we’re connected to each other by all our little, mundane experiences – and I’m afraid, because the one who suffers most isn’t the one who leaves, but the one who is left behind. I can’t bear for him to be unhappy, not even the slightest bit. Every time I think about these, I’m extremely, extremely afraid.

He says that I’m being too sentimental, but he doesn’t know; he doesn’t realize that in actuality, the person who made me this way is him, and him alone.

Although Love arms one with an armor, it simultaneously causes one to have a weakness.

002

One day, I was buying fruits at a market near our place. Just as I was focused on selecting some yellow peaches for Jungkook who really loves them, the guy standing next to me suddenly spoke up, “What are these called?”