Pending Progress

3.

My mind plays so many worst case scenarios and I am not sure if that has anything to do with my mindset in the past where as soon as things hit the fan. I would have to plan how I would protect myself and rearrange my lifestyle if anything happens. 

When I was 19, I had to leave home. My mom had hit me again for the first time in years. I was angry and scared. I was angry that she did that in front of my sister and scared that she would continue to hit me. It took everything in me not to scream and yell at her again right then and there. I remember packing anything I could for a week. I ran, I ran so fast. My mom screaming after me but fuck that. After so much mental and physical abuse, I was done. She never supported me and I never felt like I was home. My girlfriend at the time had picked me up after we literally just argued and she took me to her house where the real hell began. I stayed for three days consecutively before she asked her mom if I was able to live there with them. She agreed and I payed her $300 a month which was a whole week check at the time. Honestly it was chum change but given that I had to support her and myself. It was rough. Part of me was relieved that I didnt have a car anymore because I wasn't sure how I would balance $300 of rent plus a $353 car note. It all felt too overwhelming at the time. I was also paying for her gas, food and weed, even some clothes or shoes occasionally. She would go out with her friends while I was at work so I would also have to give her spending money. I got 50$ to myself if I was lucky. I couldn't really save that much, even if I wanted to. Where would I put it without her knowing?

Eventually, we started arguing after our honeymoon phase of living with eachother. I was starting to get trust issues because she spoke to her ex, DAILY. I was feeling very insecure with myself and I was lonely. My friends hated her so I couldnt go and hang with them without her wanting to tag along or would be upset that I "took" her friends even though I knew one of them before her. I started using psychedelics which fucked up my mind even more. I hated it. I stopped but sometimes I think maybe it got worse because of them. I haven't done acid since then. I'm just too scared. I haven't even smoked weed because I get bad anxiety. I feel good and clean though. The most I'll do nowadays is drink which is way more fun than smoking anyways. 

.....

So I stopped writing after that last sentence. It still gets overwhelming to think and write out that. I just still get angry at myself for dealing with that. I no longer hold hate over that person because someone else is dealing with them and I am beyond happy that I no longer have to deal with the trauma they hold. 

I just can't believe I didn't listen to my friends sooner.