Pending Progress

5.

Yesterday I had a rough day. Well, the past week has been rough as hell. From asking my parents if dementia runs in my family to not having my car for 6 hours and basically freaking out the whole time. 

No dementia. 

sickest car tint ever! 

I have been a lot more impatient lately and I do not like it. It's not me. I feel very stuck in the moment but not the way I wanna be. It's like blank. It doesn't feel like cohesive thoughts. I'm for sure on auto pilot right now. 

I wish i was more in the moment, cherishing it with my girlfriend. Sometimes I blank out and and she's talking and I feel so bad because I am clearly not listening. I miss her, even though I see her all the time. I miss her. 

I keep telling myself that I have no much time and I'm not going to be stuck in this rut forever. I am going to be happy again and vibrant. I want to feel vibrant as I once was. I can imagine the feeling again and I am trying to grasp onto the feeling again. 

I am going to be okay. I have a general anxiety disorder. It's treatable and it's okay. 

Also, I am facing the fact that I lie, more than I fucking should and for no reason at all. There is no reason to lie about a time frame. About what someone said and whether or not you had a successful day or not. Its okay. I did some beautiful google searching about it and it said that we do that to protect our self-confidence, ego and just out feelings overall. I'm kinda dissecting it as if I wasn't doing something productive or good, I am a loser and maybe lying about small shit makes up for me but i refuse to live life lying. I cant do that anymore. Lying a lot makes me believe it at the end of the day and that is not what im trying to do. 

I want to be that mom with long hair, bomb body, minds her business, makes good food and just vibes while giving her kids good advice and ends her night with her partner drinking wine and is gonna get railed to sleep. sorry but thats where i wanna be in 20 years at least. 

And Im going to get there.