Pending Progress

4.

I told my dad what happened in the house in Hawaiian Gardens and to say the least, he was pissed. In a way to pulled me out of my head and now I feel like my inner child was heard. It was comforted. I was finally....healed from that.

To top it off, I found pictures of the guy who did it and my dad swore and cursed at the sight. He is a family friend who only ever hit up my father in his own time of need. My dad always got a really bad vibe from him. He even told me about a time he went to soccer practice and when he went to pick up some of the guys. My abuser said he didn't want to go because he wanted to rest. Turns out, my dad walked him on him in my parents kitchen with my mom drinking a beer. Another reason why I'll never trust my mother. 

You can see why I favor my father even in the times where my mom and I get along the most. I just always have a weird feeling about her. Like nothing seems genuine. 

Ever since I told my dad, we have grown much closer. I spend a lot more time with him. It's actually really comforting. He even likes my girlfriend which is..beyond the relief I can describe. 

I left this top part untouched, not really remember if it was because I was off from work or if I simply just didn't want to write for the rest of the day, but I know this was about a month or two ago. 

Now I am just feeling so frustrated. With myself and with everyone. This was also supposed to be my prime time. My anniversary with my girlfriend just passed. I got a new car. Life is supposed to be exciting and great but I am not happy. I feel so lost in my head. I feel so sad. So stressed but at the same time. I couldn't give any more fucks. To feel overwhelmed yet underwhelmed is the only way I could describe it. On top of that, whenever I don't feel so empty, I get worried because my girlfriend tells me, "if something was really wrong with you then you wouldn't notice." So when I do feel somewhat normal, it makes me worry that I am not noticing what is wrong. You see my dilemma here? 

The shittiest part is when I first started to really get down in the gutter with my mental health, I would always worry about losing interest in not only everything but my partner, I cried everyday(and still do) thinking that my brain will make me not love my partner anymore and lately it's been worse. I'll look at her and think, god damn, I am so lucky to have her then another part of my brain is like "nah, you can live without her, maybe you'll feel better if you let her go.." and I'll instantly get more sad because for once, i finally have my person and this whole mental illness is getting in the way of that. I love her so much and I never want to lose her. Ever. 

I often think about those people who go viral on twitter for having psychotic episodes where they get violent and I also pray that is never me. I am not a violent person but what shit hits the fan? I just don't want to spiral. Maybe this is my OCD fixing itself on other's diagnoses but I'm still scared. 

I am currently working on getting health insurance again so I can go see a therapist and a psychiatrist. My coverage with Kaiser expired and it's so expensive to go back on it. I am frustrated with the US's health care system. No one fucking cares and its a real shame. 

I want to love myself again. I want to breathe. I want to be carefree in the most healthy way possible. Please God. Please Universe. I am begging you to give me my control back.