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47.

Is this what bella felt in twilight when edward just leaves her? out of no where? 

because i dont even know how she made it out alive. 

i heard a lot everywhere that sometimes you cant be enough for someone even if they love you so much. sometimes the drugs are too much. 

i was thinking heavily today if i loved them enough to take a bullet.. i would. 

i dont think ive ever loved this hard before. where i think their life is greater than mine. it's.....fullfilling but at the same time so frustrating. someone has that much of a hold on me. in moments of love, i appreciate it and encourage it. but in this moment. i hate love. i never ever want to feel it if it isnt with you. 

the past before you wasnt real. it wasnt real as this. it didnt feel this good to be alive. i wish my love was enough to drag you from the needle. the pipe. the powder. i wish i wasnt feeling as if i was mourning a death. i wish i didnt feel like hitting my head just to try and knock these feelings out. 

i wish i was laying with you and just smelling you and hugging you. i wish those things were never done to get us here in the first place. 

i wish i never waved. god i wish i never even took you there. i wish we would have gone to the party. i should have convinced you more. 

if this is really it....... i will never stop loving you. you were never easy to love but i still chose to show you that it was capable. and i wish you knew that.