royal high

twelve: before i go

billie's pov

it's weird how you can feel so alone in a room full of people, people who feel just as alone as you

i feel so empty without her

of all people my heart could of chosen, it decided to choose a girl who didn't have enough room in her heart to love someone like me

i thought just this once

i could fall in love, but maybe not

maybe i'm destined to be alone

breathing shouldn't be exhausting
breathing shouldn't be hurtful

all the power in those stones in my pocket keeping me under this surface causing me to suffocate yet i don't feel pain

but how long do i stay for
do i stay until the pain
is too much?

untill my lungs can't handle it?
untill i can't breathe

i let me drown
i let me down
i let her feel this way
this is all my fault

i feel the end coming
i have power over myself that
i can't see
i can't help
i cant control

i have control over myself
the pain is too much to bear
i can't handle it but at the same time
i deserve it

it hurts when it shouldn't
i'm ashamed of who i thought i loved

i'm in a never ending void, the epitome of nothing

screaming but no one could hear

drowning but no one could see

no matter what happens
i will always be broken

i feel like a fish out of water
or maybe more like a bird in the sea that got shot down by sky's words because i'm certain i'm drowning, in a place i was never meant to be

save me from myself

some days
i feel everything at once
other days
i feel nothing at all

all this time i was drowning but nobody saw me struggle no one even cared

i've been told
if you don't let
your past die
then it won't
let you live

the problem is that i care way to much
about her, when she doesn't give a shit
about me

her words cut me deep, i could feel my heart rip apart and i could feel myself internally bleed

i don't know what's worse drowning beneath the surface of silverlake as water fills my lungs or dying from the thirst

but if i stay underwater
maybe i can drown
in something other than my own thoughts

my tears are now invisible, blending in with the colors of the deep dark depths of silverlake

and all of a sudden i felt really tired
like the world had drained me for everything i had

i'm drowning but i can see everyone around me breathing, living as if i never existed

deep in this water my love is lying
and i must drown alone

i wasn't meant to live this long after what i did to myself and sky, so i shoved so much rocks into my pockets as possible but i'm still alive

where do i go
how do i end me

i'm in so much pain
i cannot go on

i keep telling myself
you don't drown by falling in the water
you drown yourself by staying there

sometimes you  have to stay in the water
to feel yourself suffering

i'm not sorry for wanting what i deserve

and i'm not afraid to drown if that's what
i want

no one wants me, no one needs me, no one cares about me no even the person i'd die for

i'm not okay, i feel so scattered don't say i'm all that matters, i'll leave you like you left me
i need you but you don't need me

sorry, can't save me now
sorry, i don't know how
sorry, there's no way out
but down

sorry.

authors note:

@Liano1 helped <3