After you left

Chapter 28 - The letter

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Tessa's POV:

My morning is like any other, throwing up, brushing my teeth, showering and making breakfast. I slept very poorly last night. Everything kept haunting me. The letter is placed on the dining table. I think it's time I read it. I take a deep breath and open it.

Tess,

As you already know how poor I am in expressing my feelings. Yes, here I am with another letter explaining myself.

I know I fucked up yet again and this time I fucked up big. I am not making any excuses for the way I reacted. I am writing this letter sober. I mean every word I write in this. Just read it before you make up your mind.

That day, you told me you were pregnant, I was angry. Angry on myself for the carelessness, but I let it all out on you. I didn't want the baby and I still, didn't till yesterday. Yesterday I was at target to buy some stuff for the new apartment. There was a guy with his baby, just in my aisle. I was minding my own business until the man asked me to watch his kid because he needed to piss and there was no one else around. He just handed his daughter to me and ran to use the loo before I could say something. I was so fucking uncomfortable and I didn't even know how to hold her. She started crying when she looked at me, probably because of my piercings. Those were the 2 most uncomfortable minutes of my entire life. When that guy came back and took her in his arms, she instantly stopped crying. She was literally fucking smiling with tears in her eyes. That moment hit me.

I know it's silly but this incident changed my perspective. I am willing to do it with you Tessa. It will be hard but we can learn together. I cannot go back in time but I want to make sure that I make your every moment from now a happy one. Don't expect me to jump in being the perfect daddy because that cant happen but I will try. I am not going to flip out or anything. A kid wont be that hard I guess.

I want to come clean with you, so here we go. In London, I wasn't fucking that girl that day you called but I did mess around a lot. I was back in my old life. I became a stoner, a drunkard and I was back to fucking every girl I see. I was in a terrible terrible condition.I wasn't fucking allowed to leave the hospital but I did anyway for you. This is what I become when I'm without you, but it was obviously my fault as I was the fucking one to leave. I am still in so much pain, but it all dissolves when I see you. Tessa I regret going back, trust me I do. But put yourself in my place, I was so fucked up when you told me that. We still hadn't recovered from you moving to Seattle. I just hope you will someday be able to put this all past us because I can promise you I am not going back to that life again.

I also wanted to confess that I read your journal. I know I shouldn't had invaded your privacy. But I had do. I read everything Tessa and I'm so fucking sorry you had to go through all of it alone. After reading that I wanted to take my shit and leave. I couldn't face you but I want to be with you Tessa and I know you want it too. Just give me one chance.

I don't expect you to forgive me right away, I didn't mean what I said in the car. Fuck I can't forgive myself for letting that happen to you. I just hope you would see that I am changing. I know we go on and off more than the seasons change but I sure as hell hope not this time. If you let me, I will prove it to you. I love you with everything I have left in my shallow soul. I am truly sorry.

Love, H

...

I am staring at the letter, trying to process what he said. The doorbell startles me and I quickly wipe off the tears.

"Hi" Hardin is in front of me in his boxers and black t-shirt. His hair is messy and his eyes are red. His breath reeks of liquor.

"Did you drink?" I ask.