Sadly, There Is More Than Us

{11} Deception-{TW torture and death mentioned}

I have been sitting on my dorm windowsill, crying and thinking about what all this means for me now. I hear the door open and my red puffy eyes turn to find the one girl I've been worrying about. 

Her face looks hurt and somewhat cold. She's scowling at me. The silence in the room says everything. I feel like it goes on forever. 

"Has she hurt you Y/N?" she asks under her breath, masking her concern in her anger. She still stands in front of the closed bedroom door. Distant physically and emotionally and all I want is for her to hold me.

I look to the floor and shake my head. I stay silent. I don't know what to say.  Hermione is looking at me differently now. It isn't the same as before. She's cautious, less delicate. Again quiet. I wish I could read her mind and know what she is thinking. Her eyes are fixed on me. She's studying me as if we had never met, never shared the nights, the days, the beautiful moments we have had. They are all tainted in this instant.  

"I can't wrap my head around it Y/N" she breaks the silence I can't look her in the eye. "I've been trying to....... HOW could I be so foolish? " She bursts out, trying not to cry again. "I keep thinking back over every conversation we had....." I don't respond.  She just stares at me before she starts again. "Is it true? How much of it? The papers, everything? Don't lie to me Y/N, is it true? Is she one of them?!"

I pause for a moment then nod my head slowly. Her scowl turns to pure disgust. 

"And did she kill all those muggleborns? Like the newspapers said?" I stare at the floor again without responding. Trying to hold in my tears. "SHE KEPT AND TORTURED THEM FOR DAYS IN HER HOUSE... In YOUR house..... before they BEGGED for death." With that I look her in the eyes. I don't have to say a word my silence is all the answer she needs. 

Hermione starts crying at the thought of it. "I. am. an. IDIOT" she says. "I thought you were falling for me I thought that maybe, just maybe, someone really cared for me. But what? I was an easy, little, weak mudblood target to get to Harry Potter, was I?!" 

"Hermione, It wasn't like that! I promise! I swear it!" I shout "And don't call yourself that..... You're not like them-"

Hermione scoffs, "Like them? I'm not like them? Is my blood any less dirty than all the other useless mudbloods then? Why, because I'm a nice little toy you get to fuck while you wait around here doing Merlin knows what to get to Harry?" She says while walking angrily towards me. Breathing heavily.  "That's what you called me, the day we met. Mudblood. I assumed your parents were old fashioned.... but this?"

"Hermione that's not what I meant I swear to you." I grab her hand and hold it lovingly. "I've been told one thing my entire life. I know it was the wrong thing but it is still hard to erase. I'm trying. I love you Hermione, I do. I haven't been telling my mother anything! I wasn't sent here for any mission I-I don't know why I am allowed here but I am and I needed to get away from everything I was surrounded by at home and so I took the opportunity and-" Tears flood down my cheeks "I love you Hermione. I am completely in love with you and it terrifies me."

Hermione looks at me and for a moment I see her demeaner soften. " You can ask me anything. We'll brew  Veritaserum if you don't believe me." Hermione sits down beside me, still somewhat apprehensive. 

"when you know who died-" 

"He's not dead"

I can feel her eyes burning through my head. She is aching to know all that I know. If only I could show her everything I've seen.  All the pauses, all the silence. I wish I could know what she is thinking. She is so deep in taught it takes her a few minutes to speak again. I sit there beside her , quite, to be sure I don't rush her. Eventually she starts again.

"Have you ever...." She takes a deep breath, "I mean, did you see when Bellatrix....I-" She grows frustrated over her words. "....Did you help, B- your mother, when she was.... torturing and killing those people?" 

I shut my eyes tight as memories replay in my head. The screams, the pleading. I don't realise I've started crying until Hermione brushes a tear off of my face. I feel so vulnerable with her. I try to pretend I wasn't crying and put back on my strong exterior but finally Hermione's face changes completely to pity and love.  "You don't have to push it down Y/n. Not with me." Hermione says and I can't help but weep. Never in my life have I been this emotional with someone. She holds me tight and repeats over and over. "I'm so sorry Y/n. It wasn't your fault, you have to know that. You are  kind soul."

I pull back. "Hermione, love, I don't deserve you. I don't deserve any of this. I've done terrible things. I knew deep down that it was wrong. That putting someone through that pain couldn't possibly be right but- She- She- She's my mother Hermione I didn't- I was told- I" Hermione holds me close again as she kisses the top of my head. "I'm so sorry Y/N."

We spent the night in her bed. I leaned on her chest as she held me from behind. I told her everything. Every shocking terrible thing. The times I saw Voldemort's body (If you could even call it that) all shrivelled and weak. All the meetings we had. Every terrible deed I done for my mother. I was completely honest with her. It was all out there. I cried and she did too. I've never spoken about this. I told her my fears. I know I am not "good", but I am terrified of going all the way "bad". She comforted me through it all. 

"I love you, Y/N" she says kissing my head. 

"Even after all that?" I ask.

She kisses me. "Because of all that. You were raised and forced and taught everything wrong, and yet still here you are. You are so strong my love." 

I don't feel very strong. But I feel loved.... And I think I'm beginning to learn that when it is like this, love and strenght are not all that different.