Goodbye's Second Chance

All These Unfamiliar Faces/And I Know You Ain't Around

I loved being back with my family, despite the constant flood of memories. I tried to avoid looking at the places where he used to be; the opposite end of the bed, the floor where he slept on the futon, the desk where he'd study with me. I tried to just bury my head and not think about it, but fuck, he was everywhere and nowhere and it was killing me. Christmas morning there was an extra present under the tree, as there was every year, for Iwa. Mom picked it up and just looked at it for a moment, before looking at me with a sad look.

            "I'll just give it to his mom later." She said and put it on the hall table, out of sight. My chest ached. We always spent the holidays together. Well, we used to always spend them together. I hadn't seen him since graduation but it felt like I was surrounded by him every second I was here. I needed to get out of here, just for a while. I put on a smile and faked my way through opening the gifts like I'd faked my way through all of high school and volunteered to clean up just to get out of the room. It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest and I couldn't take it anymore.

            "Since when do you clean?" my sister asked. "Since I got my own apartment, jerk. I am capable of doing things." I snapped back at her as Takeru helped me put some wrapping paper in a garbage bag. I envied him; still so young, completely unaware of this love bullshit. I wished so badly I could go back to before I realized everything about Iwa, about myself. I need to get out of here. I quickly tied up the bag and put it by the door, running upstairs to change.

            "Going for a run." I called behind me as I pulled on my sneakers and rushed out the door, taking the garbage with me. I didn't wait for anyone to question or object, I just needed to go. I threw the bag in the bin and started searching for a playlist that would drown out all the bullshit in my head. I heard the familiar sound of a gate slamming up the street and looked up out of habit. No one was there, but I saw the gate bouncing like someone had just walked through it.

            I wanted to run over and see if he was still there, catch him before he went inside, but no. No, I couldn't do that. I took a deep breath, turned in the opposite direction and just started running before the music even started. It was always so much easier to be the douchebag that everyone thought I was in high school. It kept those walls in place, but since I moved to Argentina, I haven't had to put them back up. I've enjoyed being able to just be me, the guy that loves to play volleyball. There hasn't been enough down time to worry about going out or dating or even broaching that subject with my team mates.

            I'm not the only gay guy on the team, but I also haven't come out to anyone there either. At least I'm fairly sure of how they'll react and that's a relief in itself, but that's if I dare to do it at all. God, I don't want to think about any of this. I'm just so tired of it all. I'm so tired of everything. I ran until my legs started to go numb. I even didn't bother to track the miles, but it was almost 5 hours before I walked back through the gate to the house. I'd already thought of something to tell my mom for that night after dinner was over. I couldn't stay there, I just couldn't.

            Apparently, Oba-san and Iwa had been over earlier while I was out running. Thank the gods for small miracles. I got in the shower, exhausted from the run, and just stood there under the water for a long time. I'd already decided to go to a bar down in Shinjuku, hoping no one I knew would be in that area. I wanted to find someone to make me forget about him, about my heart, about how it's always been him, about it all. I wanted to get it over with. I wondered if the reason why I felt how I did about Iwa was simply because he was the first person I ever saw like that and maybe I just needed someone else to take his place.

            I stood in the shower, trying not to think of him as I got myself ready for the night. I've never really thought of what it would be like with anyone other than Iwa.  He was always the only subject of my daydreams. I wanted him out of my head; I needed him out of my head. The way he pushed me up against the wall, the way he moaned into our kiss, the feel of how hard he was... NO!! I don't want to think about him! The memories never stopped though.